Are You A Pursuer or Withdrawer?
These roles can change depending on who you are in relationship with and the context (e.g. at work, friendship, relationship, school). You might oscillate back and forth between pursuing and withdrawing.
Pursuers
Pursuers pursue because they want:
To save the relationship
They want to connect
They want to be validated and understood
They want to understand what’s going on
Reassurance
To feel safe and secure
Pursuers value…
Connection
Validation
Reassurance
Pursuers are often characterized as:
Critical
Mean
Angry
Demanding
Aggressive
Hostile
Rude
Intense
Nagging
Pursuers often feel…
Hurt
Alone
Unwanted
Unloved
Invisible
Isolated
Unimportant
Abandoned
Unloveable
Desperate
Disconnected
Deprived
Unsafe
Pursuers often believe…
“I don’t really matter”
“I mean nothing”
“I feel alone even when I’m next to you”
“I just can’t them to understand me”
“There’s no other way to get them to understand me without pushing and asking them repeatedly”
Goal for pursuers
Soften their pursuing (slowing down)
Become more comfortable with anxiety alone rather than relying on 100% reassurance
Focusing on their internal experience (rather than stories and thoughts)
Increase vulnerability
Share emotions and feelings
Withdrawers
Withdrawers withdraw because they want:
To regulate and calm themselves down
To prevent conflict from getting worse/escalating
Avoid anxiety/stress around not fixing/solving the conflict in the “right” way
Stop themselves from saying something they might regret
To feel safe and secure
Withdrawers value…
Independence
Problem solving
Logic
Fixing
Withdrawers are often characterized as:
Avoidant
Bored
Uninterested
Disconnected
Apathetic
Uncaring
Robotic
Withdrawers often feel..
Criticized
Attacked
Rejected
Not good enough
Overwhelmed
Inadequate
Fearful
Numb or frozen
Judged and criticized
Shame
Empty
Incapable
Like a failure
Withdrawers often believe
“This is my fault”
“I can’t ever do anything right”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I just need a lot of space to figure it all out on my own”
“I’m going to my lose my partner’s love”
Goal for withdrawers
Become more vulnerable
Become more comfortable with criticism and disagreements
Stay in the moment rather than go away/avoid/withdraw
Let the other person know how they feel rather than avoiding/withdrawing
Goals for Both Pursuers & Withdrawers
Consistent gratitude
Appreciate the other person’s good qualities they appreciate
Compromise
Think of the other person’s needs and wants
Spend quality time together
Engage in more rituals to deepen intimacy
Have some shared vision and goals for their life together
Understand and feel disagreements and conflicts are totally okay and normal part of every relationship
Don’t mind read
Ask for what you need and want; make requests
Manage realistic expectations
Your partner cannot and probably should not fulfill 100% of your needs and wants
Examples Of When Pursue & Withdraw Cycle Are More Complicated
Domestic abuse/intimate partner violence
Active infidelity
Ongoing symptoms of unhealthy relationships such as threats, manipulation, gaslighting
Tips To Break The Pursue-Withdraw Pattern
Name the cycle
The cycle can be interrupted, but first it must be made conscious and aware
Slow down
Take a break when things are heated
The more the pursuer pursues/demands/asks/criticizes, the more the withdrawers goes away/shuts down/avoids, which then triggers the pursuer’s anxiety/need for reassurance and validation. So then the cycle goes over and over.
Understand what’s underneath
What do you need?
What do you want?
What do you desire?
Read books and articles on attachment to better understand what’s happening
Active listening
Really really listen
Don’t interrupt the other person
If you are thinking about what to say when your partner is talking, chances are, you aren’t actively listening
Restate what your partner said (“I heard you say….”)
Validate (“That makes sense you…”)
Ask for understanding
“Did I get that right?”
“Is this how you feel?”
Use I statements
Focus on the present
Try to avoid the past
Try to avoid using information as a weapon
Fight fairly: Try to avoid binary statements
You never
You always
You need to
You have to
Practice and patience
Breaking deeply entrenched cycles is not a 1-2x endeavor
It takes months, years, and perhaps your entire life to really challenge yourself