Adult Attachment Styles & Questionnaire

Learn ABOUT your attachment styles and how this impacts your relationship with others

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Adult attachment styles

Adult Attachment Styles

Click on each box below to expand and read more information.

Secure Attachment

Secure Attachment

    • Capacity to express full and wide range of emotions

    • Has the ability to self-soothe and regulate self when overwhelmed

    • Has the ability to share feelings and emotions

    • Is generally okay with others’ feelings and emotions

    • Has the ability to show and convey empathy

    • Reach & Receive: Can ask for needs and wants as well as receive love and affirmation from others

  • Core components of someone who has secure attachment includes the following.

    Overall, they are able to:

    • Generally have close, intimate relationships with others

    • Have satisfying, mutually beneficial relationships

    • Ask for what they want without feeling overwhelming guilt

    • Repair and make up after a conflict/fight/disagreement

    • Identify how they feel at a given moment

    • Talk about their thoughts and feelings in a direct manner

    • Process their feelings as they arise

    • Are comfortable being alone and being with others

    • Are comfortable with themselves

    • Are comfortable in their body

    • Can handle life transitions, adjustments, and changes with a sense of ease and regulation

    • Overall have good sense of Self (Self esteem, Self worth, Self confidence, Self acceptance, Self love)

    Generally, they do not:

    • Hold long standing grudges

    • Internalize/avoid/distract from their thoughts and feelings

    • Allow their feelings to overwhelm them to an extreme

    • Allow their negative thoughts/self talk to dictate their choices and decision making

    • Expect others to read their mind and assume what they need/want/are thinking

    • Ruminate and overthink on past situations to an extreme

    • Consistently judge/criticize/beat themselves up for making a mistake

    • Concern themselves about other people's approval, acceptance, view, or perspective of them

Insecure - Avoidant

Insecure - Avoidant

    • The desire for self-sufficiency/independence/reliance is often so great that it serves as a vehicle for avoiding intimacy

    • Often have a poor view of themselves, lower self esteem, and don't feel that they are worthy of the attention and approval of their partners.

    • Restricted emotions and empathy

    • Tend to not show their emotions and even push them away so as not to have to experience them (hiding/suppression/internalizing/etc.)

    • Tendency to seek and therefore receive less intimacy from their partners.

    • Comforts self with things, activities, distractions such as exercising, work, food, substances, television, etc.

    • Addictions and substance use is common

    • Finds it difficult to share feelings

    • Difficulty with commitment and intimacy

    • Suppression of needs and wants

    • Values distance and space

  • Dismissive Avoidant

    • Tend to undervalue intimate relationships and value their own autonomy/independence/space.

    • Tendency to dismiss intimate relationships as unnecessary or even unimportant and they are often defensive about their viewpoint.

    • Tend to view themselves as better than their partners, who they see as inferior.

    Fearful Avoidant

    • Tend to want intimate relationships, but are fearful and overly cautious about allowing themselves to experience them (fear of pain, rejection, abandonment, judgement, lack of independence/agency/freedom)

    • Mistrustful about the motives of their partners and have a hard time being cared for (receiving love is harder than giving it)

    • In general, these people tend to remove themselves first from any type of relationship where they fear they might be rejected.

  • COMMON TRIGGERS

    • Lack of direct communication/passive aggressive communication

    • Inconsistency around communication

    • The silent treatment

    • Incongruence (words don’t match actions, actions don’t match words, tone doesn’t match behavior, etc.)

    • Uncertainty around plans

    • Uncertainty around intentions

    • Perception and/or reality of being controlled

    • Perception and/or reality of being disrespected

    • Perception and/or reality of being ignored

    • Perception and/or reality of being rejected

    • Perception and/or reality of being abandoned

    • Invasion of physical space

    • Invasion of privacy and confidentiality

    • Feeling attacked, blamed

    • Aggression

    Intimacy and Vulnerability

    • Opening up and sharing deep emotions can trigger feelings of discomfort or fear, leading them to withdraw or distance themselves from others.

    Fear of Rejection

    • This fear can arise from past experiences where they felt abandoned or dismissed, making them hesitant to seek closeness or express their needs.

    • The fear of being rejected can be a powerful trigger that affects their willingness to engage in relationships.

    Perceived Loss of Independence

    • Avoidant individuals value their independence and self-sufficiency.

    • Anything that threatens their sense of autonomy or freedom can trigger anxiety or discomfort.

    • They may perceive certain situations or commitments as limitations on their independence, causing them to withdraw or create emotional distance.

    Intense Emotional Situations

    • When faced with conflict, emotional demands, or strong expressions of feelings, they may feel overwhelmed and respond by withdrawing or shutting down.

    • These situations can trigger a fear of losing control or becoming emotionally entangled.

    Excessive Demands for Closeness

    • While all relationships require a certain level of closeness, avoidantly attached individuals can feel overwhelmed by excessive demands for emotional connection or dependency.

    • Feeling suffocated or trapped by such expectations can trigger their avoidance behaviors as a way to protect themselves from perceived emotional engulfment.

    —

    COMMON CHALLENGES

    • Discomfort with vulnerability (fears relying on others)

    • Discomfort with intimacy (may struggle with getting too attached or push others away to protect themselves)

    • Being open with their inner world (thoughts, feelings, desires) and tend to be more closed off

    • Share and express their feelings with others (tend to keep feeling to themselves and deal with things themselves)

  • When faced with challenge, barriers, and discomfort, generally, the following are strategies to de-activate individuals with an avoidant attachment style.

    • Withdrawing/isolating self from others/shutting down emotionally

    • Deleting text messages, emails, photos

    • Unfollowing others on social media

    • Blocking others (email, text, calls, etc.)

    • Attacking self (self judgement, criticism, denigration, devaluing, labeling)

    • Criticism & Attacking Others

      • Judgement, criticism, denigration, devaluing, labeling)

    • Shame Spiraling

      • “I am bad”

    • Feelings of inappropriate/overwhelming guilt

    • Black and white/binary thoughts

      • I never

      • I always

      • You should know

    • Stonewalling

      • Refusing to communicate with another person and withdrawing from the conversation to create distance between the individual and their partner.

    • Defensiveness

      • Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack

  • Core components of someone who has avoidant attachment includes the following.

    Overall, they generally experience the following:

    • Extreme negative beliefs/stories/narratives about themselves and others

      • Self reliance is helpful

      • Hyperindependence is helpful

      • Vulnerability is not helpful

      • Relying on others is not helpful

      • Relying on others is foreign, new, uncomfortable, strange, etc.

    • Beliefs that love is painful, hurtful, can be taken away, inconsistent, unreliable, etc.

    • High levels of guilt and shame

      • I did something bad

      • I am bad

      • I am inadequate

      • There is something wrong with me

      • I lack something

      • And more

    • Emotionally exhausting. It’s tiring to:

      • Put on a “mask” or facade and switch back and forth

      • Suppress, avoid, internalize thoughts and feeling

      • Suffer alone in isolation and withdrawal

    • Using strategies/skills/tools to protect themselves from perceived or real harm, pain, and discomfort

      • Logic and using one’s brain

      • Fixing & solving

      • Future planning and orientation

    • Focus on external things li

      e:

      • Work

      • Achievements

      • Awards

      • Productivity

      • Hobbies

      • Image

    • Focus on self reliance

      • Dismissing

        attempts for help

      • Discomfort with receving help

      • Saying “I don’t need help”

    • Discomfort With Feelings

      • s

    • Discomfort With Intimacy

      • Prefers physical distance and space

      • Fear of being encroached upon emotionally and having someone rely on them

    • Paradoxical & Confusing

      • “Come away, get closer”

      • Pushing people away and then missing them

      • Missing people when they are emotionally and physically distant

Adult attachment styles

Insecure - Anxious

    • Desires closeness, but rarely ever enough

    • Enmeshment & Codependency: “Merges” with other

    • Fear of abandonment and rejection

    • Clings and criticizes

    • Cautious about depending on others

    • Difficulty feeling comforted

    • Pursuing to almost aggression to obtain a response

    • Lack of direct communication/transparency

    • Lack of emotional intimacy

    • Lack of vulnerability

    • Lack of physical affection/touch

    • Being ignored

    • Being ghosted

    Distance & Physical Separation

    • When’s someone doesn’t return phone calls or texts regularly and consistently

    Inconsistency & Incongruency

    • Change in style/tone of communication (e.g. going from warm to cold)

    Overwhelming Emotions

    Fear of Abandonment

    Seeking Reassurance

  • When faced with challenge, barriers, and discomfort, generally, the following are strategies to de-activate individuals with an anxious attachment style.

  • Core components of someone who has anxious attachment includes the following.

questionnaire

Questionnaire

  • What did you learn from your family about emotions and vulnerability?

    • Were healthy emotions modeled?

    • Were emotions restricted and internalized?

    • Were emotions labeled bad or good?

    • Did one parent/caregiver feel more than the other?

    • Or were emotions equally modeled by both caregivers/parents?

    What does your culture value and prioritize?

    • What’s your migration history?

    • Were you born in the United States?

    • Are you part of the majority culture?

    • Does your culture value independence, interdependence, codependence, or a mix?

    • What did you learn about differences growing up?

    Did you have a dependable parental or caregiver figure?

    • Was your parent/caregiver consistent and/or predictable?

    • Were they inconsistent, chaotic, and/or uncertain?

    Who did you turn to for comfort and support as a child?

    • What did comfort and support look like growing up?

    • How did you experience comfort and support growing up?

    Who do you turn to for comfort and support now?

    • What does comfort and support look like now?

    • Do you turn to people for support and comfort?

    • Do you turn to yourself for support and comfort?

    • Do you turn to substances, distractions, and/or other forms of avoidance for support and comfort?

    Do you ask for what you need?

    • How do you ask for what you need?

    • If not, why not? What prevents you?

    How do you receive love?

    • Do you receive love and allow yourself to receive love?

    • If not, why not? What prevents you?

    How do you give love to others?

    • How do you show love to others?

    • Do you show love to others?

    • If not, why not? What prevents you?

    What causes most discomfort in relationships?

    • What scares you in relationships?

    • How do you temper your discomfort?

    How do your relationships end?

    • Do you leave people?

    • Do people leave you?

    • Is it mutually agreed upon and based on open communication?

    • Do you stay in relationships even when they are no longer helpful and healthy?

    How do you let others know something is bothering you?

    • Do you let others know?

    • If not, why not? What prevents you?

    When you feel overwhelmed emotionally, who do you tell?

    • Do you tell anyone?

    • If not, why not? What prevents you?

  • The Attachment Project

    • Take the free, 5 minute attachment style quiz to explore how childhood conditioning manifests in your adult relationships.

    NPR

    • This quiz, adapted from Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's bestselling book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love, will help you figure out your own attachment style.