Relationship 101: Five Listening Skills

Disarming Technique (Vs Escalating)

• Find some kernel of truth in what the other person is saying, even if you may not agree with it (e.g. illogical, self-serving, distorted, or just plain “wrong”)

  • I hear you…

  • You’re saying…?

Empathy (Vs Sympathy)

• Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through their eyes

• 2 types of empathy 

  • Feeling Empathy 

    • Acknowledge how the other person is probably feeling, based on what they said

  • Thought Empathy 

    • Paraphrase the other person's words

Inquiry (Vs Assuming)

• Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other

• person is thinking and feeling.

• Practice curiosity 

I Feel Statements (Vs You Statements)

• Avoid using “you” (You make me feel angry, You are wrong)

• Use I Feel 

  • I feel sad

  • I feel happy

  • I feel confused

Stroking (Vs Attacking)

• Find something sweet, tender, and positive to say to the other person. 

• Even if you are angry at the other person, the method of stroking can facilitate respect. 

• Convey an attitude of respect

• Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of battle

Adapted from: David D. Burns, MD, from his book, “Therapist’s Toolkit”