Loving Someone With Avoidant Attachment
What is Avoidant Attachment?
It's a way of relating to others that some people develop based on their early experiences.
People with an avoidant attachment style often find it hard to trust others and to let themselves get too close emotionally. This doesn't mean they don't want connection or love, but they may be afraid of being hurt or rejected.
It's important to remember that this attachment style is not something people choose; it's a way they learned to cope based on their past experiences.
Common Difficulties/Challenges for Individuals With Avoidant Attachment
Fear of abandonment
Fear of rejection
Fear of loss of independence
Fear of being emotionally smothered
Wanting a lot of physical space
Wanting a lot of emotional space
Fear of appearing weak or vulnerable
Being wrong or corrected
And more
Increase & Engage In The Following
Validation of fears
Normalization of experiences
Curiosity of experiences
Empathy
Open ended questions
Giving them ample space and time
And more
Avoid & Decrease The Following
Yelling
Threats
Shaming
Sarcasm
Threats
Ultimatums
Pressure
And more
Can Individuals With Avoidant Attachment Heal?
Of course
This will be a lifelong process of patience, practice, calculating the pros and cons of a secure attachment, taking relational risks, repetition, etc.
We hurt in relationship and we can heal in a healthy and good enough relationship with others. For some, this begins with a therapist. For others, it starts with a good enough friend and then moves onto a good enough enough romantic partner.
What Can Avoidant Partners Do?
Be less avoidant
Communicate directly
Ask for what you need
Be more comfortable with uncertainty and conflict
Learn to love yourself more
Understand what’s underneath
Befriend and get to know their inner critic
Manage symptoms of Shame
Learn about trauma and its impacts
Increase Self worth outside of external factors and external validation
Get to know your own personal boundaries
Expect relapses
Allow for mistakes and imperfection
Practice self compassion
Communicate to your partner when you feel the need to withdraw
When things are moving too fast and you need to slow down
Learn more about attachment and your patterns
Have a practice of some sort to be more connected to your body and emotions
Strive for reflection and not reaction
Seek out professional help