Do I Cut Off My Asian Parents & Family Members?
Making the decision to cut yourself off from your family is a highly personal decision based on many factors including:
1) Where you currently physically live,
2) If you rely on your family for financial support,
3) If you have emotional support outside of your family,
4) Your current coping skills/strategies,
5) Your understanding of boundaries and sense of Self, and more.
There is no “right” or “wrong” choice. However, there are consequences and effects to whatever choice you make. It is important to consider all the effects before making a decision so you are equipped to handle whatever occurs as a result of your choice.
Asian Parents & Families Can Be Influenced By
Migration history (forced migration due to war, migration for education, migration for employment, migration for family, migration for love)
Cultural norms and values (ways of eating, ways of relating and communication, gender norms, career expectations)
Religion and faith (norms, values, beliefs, expectations, fear, joy, resilience)
Intergenerational trauma (war, genocide, forced migration, abuse, neglect, loss of language, loss of land, loss of culture)
What generation you are (1st generation. 1.5 generation, 2nd and 3rd generation)
And more
Considering Culture In Boundaries & Therapy
Asking and being curious (not assuming)
Holding both, not either or (complexity)
Understanding your own culture and how it shows up in session
Reasons Why Someone Would Cut Off/End A Relationship
When it impacts your daily life (sense of Self and how you feel/think about yourself, relationships with others, continued avoidance, impacts ability at work, ability to take care of yourself)
When you do not get something positive or useful from the relationship
When you bring up issues continually and it’s ignored or you’re blamed
When you are continually abused and/or neglected
When you assert your boundaries and your boundaries are violated consistently
When you are being manipulated consistently
When you are being emotionally hurt/abused consisntely
When the other person does not take accountability consistently (e.g. blames, denies, deflects)
And more
Behaviors of Emotionally Abusive & Immature People
Refusing to apologize and not admitting when they’re wrong (they believe they are perfect and can never make mistakes)
False apologies and difficulty taking accountability for ruptures/conflicts/tensions (“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I didn’t mean to do that”)
Difficulty receiving feedback (they take it personally and make it about themselves)
Trying to isolate you from friends, family, and loved ones
Judging you
Telling you how to feel
They do not like it when others tell them no
Constant criticism, demand, and micromanaging (no room to
Taking everything personally
Difficulty regulating their own emotions and thoughts (reacting rather than reflecting when emotionally overwhelmed)
Difficulty soothing themselves when overwhelmed (acting out their emotions rather than communicating them and feeling them)
Having others’ responsible for their emotions and thoughts (blame, anger)
Denying their behaviors (“I didn’t do that”)
A pattern of ending relationships or avoidance instead of working on resolving conflicts, tensions, and ruptures
Examples of Verbally Abusive Statements
“I’m embarrassed of you”
“You are useless”
“You wasted your life”
“You are worthless”
“I should have never had you”
“You are dumb”
“You are stupid”
“You are a loser”
“You are ugly”
“I hate you”
“You’re disgusting”
“There’s so much wrong with you”
What is a Manipulative Statement?
Statements are manipulative when they are consistent and ongoing with the intention to make you feel poorly about yourself or question your reality and experience.
Examples of Manipulative Statements
Threats
Withholding information
Gaslighting
Lying
Deception
Passive aggressive behavior
Instigating
Victimizing themselves
Shaming others
Using a person’s insecurities
Denial
Changing the subject
Using fear
Generalizing
Sample Manipulative Statements
“If you do not (do X thing), I will not support you”
“My friend’s child is so much more successful than you. Why can’t you be more like them?”
“I sacrificed so much for you, why can’t you just do this for me?”
“I just want the best for you. Can’t you see this?”
“We are your family. You should always listen and trust what we say.”
“You shouldn’t feel (insert emotion here).”
“You’re overreacting”
“You’re paranoid and making things up”
“You’re very sensitive. I would work on that”
“You made me (insert action here)”
Tips When Setting Boundaries With Emotionally Abusive People
Consider finances
Plan ahead
Find a support system
When contacting your family members, have a trusted support system with you physically
Expect that when you assert your boundaries they will not be met with healthy responses, but perhaps with anger, irritation, criticism, blame, etc.
Consequences of Stating/Setting Boundaries
They get angry at you for having limits/needs/wants/requests
They blame you
They don’t want you around as much anymore
And more
Physical &Emotional Cutoff
Emotional cutoff refers to distancing from someone emotionally to manage unresolved distress instead of directly communicating or addressing the root issues
Examples can include:
1) Avoiding family gatherings like parties, weddings, funerals, etc.
2) Not responding to phone calls or texts consistently,
3) Withdrawing or isolating from family members,
4) Moving away and out of the family home.
No Contact - Examples of Cutting Off
No contact at all until you want to or if you want to resume contact with your family members
Not replying to phone calls, text messages, emails, social media requests, etc.
Low Contact
Limiting contact based on your personal boundaries and preferences
Texting or calling your family members every so often (e.g. once every 4-5 months or once a year)
No texts or phone calls, but only emails
Not picking up phone calls instantaneously
Not replying to texts instantaneously
And more
Common Feelings Around Cutting Off Family Members
Fear
Guilt
Shame
Regret
Anger
Sadness
And more
Common Experiences Around Cutoff
Changing your mind/decision (that’s okay, boundaries are flexible)
Experiencing positive effects of the cut off (reduced criticism, judgement, fear, etc.)
Experiencing unpleasant effects of the cut off (guilt, shame, panic, worry, fear)
How Do I Manage My Guilt?
Al Anon: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf
Normalize
Feeling guilty is a “normal” feeling
You are going against a habit/automatic response/behavior you were trained to do
Put it into perspective
Step back from your thoughts and emotions
Use the image/metaphor of poison.
Self Care
Put yourself first
Self care is touted as taking bubble baths or going on vacation, but self care can also be listening and honoring your own intuition/needs/wants
It’s not selfish to have your own boundaries
It’s not selfish to want your own space
It’s not selfish to have your limits
Grieve and mourn
Grief is
Mourning is the
Write it out
Write down everything that is occurring
Write down what you feel
Write down your thoughts
Write down what is in your control
Write down what is not in your control
Write down the effects
Write down the reasons
Seek professional help
From a licensed therapist you trust and like
Get comfortable with feeling guilty
Pros vs. cons of staying in touch
Pros: Ability to have some sort of relationship with my family, convenience, I know what to expect and anticipate,
Cons: Requires work and effort, exhausting, tiring, a sense of responsibility, pressure, anxiety, not really what I actually want to do
Acceptance
What is in my control?
What is not in my control?
What can I do?
What can I not do?
Dialectical thinking
Both and/not either or
Affirmations
I am enough
I am good enough
I am learning I am enough
I am learning to be kinder to myself
My feelings matter
I am learning my feelings matter
Reminder
I have a right to ask for what I need
I have a right to take up space
I have a right to change my mind
I have a right to take time for myself
Flexibility
Boundaries are not forever. You can change them as needed anytime.
Patience
While time does not change everything (if much at all), the feeling of guilt will become more “normalized” and change
Deep seated and long term issues require long term solutions and long term work
Practice
Practice makes good enough
Keep practicing
Not every attempt toward resolution will feel good
Validation
My feelings are valid. It makes sense I feel guilty.