Adult Children of Immigrants

Common Experiences of Growing Up With Immigrant Parents

• Cultural double bind

  • Feeling too Asian/Latino/Hispanic/African/etc. and too Americanized

  • Living in the middle and straddling two worlds in regards to norms, values, etc.

  • Being a hyphenated American (Chinese-American, Vietnamese-American, Nigerian-American, Mexican-American)

• Intergenerational trauma

  • Traumatic experiences that occur from one generation to another

  • This can include: abuse, neglect, incest, etc.

  • Effects can include: mistrust/trust issues, difficulty with intimacy, ruptured boundaries, unstable identity, etc.

• Intergenerational patterns and dynamics

  • Behaviors, norms, values, beliefs, and responses passed down through one generation to another

  • This can include: how conflict is handled, communication styles, expression of emotions, what is accepted and embraced, what is rejected and avoided, how decisions are made, how power is shared or divided, roles and expectations (division of labor, career/job, finances), behavioral patterns (overworking, perfectionism, avoidance)

• Silence and not talking openly about conflicts, feelings, and experiences

  • Open, honest, and direct communication helps relieves stress when there is conflict and disagremetns

  • Silence can make conflict and disagreements worse or cause them to be “stuck”

  • Consistent silence can lead to: fear of conflict, anxiety, worry, panic, people pleasing, perfectionism, rigidity, high pressure, high expectations, etc.

• Assimilation and acculturation stress

  • Migrating to a new country brings about pre and post migration stress

  • Moving to a new country means learning new cultural rules/norms, learning a new language, adapting to a new way of things being done (housing, education, healthcare, etc.).

  • This can include: loss, grief, displacement, depression, anxiety, etc.

• Parentification

  • Role reversal of child and parent

  • The parent is the child and the child is the parent

  • This can include: translating documents, working at a young age, sending money home, etc.

  • From The Parentified Child

    • From a young age, the child learns her place as the one entrusted to ‘do the psychological work’ of the others in her family.

    • Mira would bear her mother’s emotional outbursts, soothe her tears, entreat her to open locked doors and eat her meals, not walk out of the house, hear how her father and grandparents were awful, and how Mira needed to be better for the sake of her mother’s happiness.

    • Sadhika’s task was to witness and bear her mother’s despair and ‘smooth ruffled feathers’ with everyone from the vegetable vendor to her aunts and uncles. Anahata and Priya would encourage their mothers to create change in the house, get a job, even get a divorce.

• Emotional neglect

  • The absence of attunement, love, connection, and belonging

  • This can lead to: a lower sense of Self, uncertainty around worth and esteem, difficulty accessing and feeling emotions and sensations, shutting down, dissociation, etc.

• Abuse

  • Physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse

  • Abuse changes our fear response

• Undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues like depression, anxiety, substance use, etc.

  • This can lead to stress which can ultimately lead to family crises if left untreated

  • Chaos, uncertainty, instability, and inconsistency

• And more

The Gifts of Growing Up With Immigrant Parents

• Language skills

• Bicultural identity and experience

• Fluidity and flexibility

• Connection to culture

• Resilience

• Strength and power

• Empathy and compassion

• And more

Common Topics Adult Children of Immigrant Clients Discuss In Therapy

• Self esteem

• Managing cultural and familial expectations

• Managing pressure

• Impostor syndrome

• Perfectionism

• Overworking and over functioning

• Scarcity

• Fear and panic

• Shame and guilt

• Growing up poor

• Exploring beliefs, stories, and narratives

• Navigating boundaries and wanting space and independence

• Sexuality

• Faith and religion

• Aging parents

• Death and mortality

• And more

Common Values of Immigrant Parents

• Safety

• Certainty

• Education

• Money

• Prestige

• Status

• Connection

• Belonging

• Success

• And more

Click here to read my post on Asian American Therapy

Online Therapy in California & Washington State for Adult Children of Immigrants

There is hope.

I am a Seattle therapist specializing in working with the diverse the Asian immigrants and refugees diasporas.

My clients acknowledge having someone who “gets them” in some shared identity is helpful in their own healing journey.

It’s important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with so you can open up and do the work, rather than explain everything to.

I also understand my stories will be different than yours in many ways. Therefore, I actively work to understand my self, my intersecting identities, my limitations and implicit biases so that you you have a space to unpack, process, and explore all parts of you and your stories.

You deserve to have a life where you feel at home not just in your head, but in your body and emotions.

You deserve authentic connection and loving relationships with people you trust and care for. 

Reach out today to schedule a consultation.