How Early Childhood Trauma Shapes Our Beliefs About Ourselves & How We Cope
Attachment‐Related Tendencies
When learning tasks at each childhood development state (such as the formation of healthy attachments, negotiation of autonomy needs, elaboration of exploratory drive) are not successfully accomplished or supported by primary attachment figures, the child’s development will become limited in specific ways:
Missing relational experiences
Attunement and responding to a child’s emotional needs
Celebrating successes and achievements
Taking in compliments and positive appraisals from others
Comfort with eye contact
Comfort with physical touch
And more
Attachment disturbances
Insecure attachment styles like anxious, avoidant, disorganized
Inconsistent or adequate parental attachment behavior (overly permissive, strict, critical, etc.)
Faulty or inconsistent emotional regulation
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)
Mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from unavailability of caregivers
Difficulty trusting others
Difficulty asking for help
Difficulty with silence and not doing anything
And more
Limiting beliefs about oneself and/or the world
Safety
Belonging
Connection
Trust
Intimacy
Esteem
Emotions that are not integrated
Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Etc.
Body structure & movement that reflects the impact of these developmental compromises and impasses
Hiding or shrinking
Tense shoulders
Raised eyebrows
Clenched jaws
Clenched fists and hands
Lowering gaze
Slouched back
And more
How Trauma Shapes Our Beliefs
Examples of Developmental Cognitive Schemas
I do not belong
There is something wrong with me
Others will not support me
My needs will never be met
I cannot do what I want to do
I should not be vulnerable
My feelings are not okay
I must perform to be loved
I’m not okay as I am
I shouldn’t get angry
Helplessness & Hopelessness
If you grew up experiencing repeated negative/adverse events, you may have developed the belief that you cannot control events or solve problems even if they are controllable/ solvable.
A new traumatic event may seem to confirm prior beliefs about helplessness. As a result, you develop the belief that you can solve problems and meet challenges that you may face.
Examples: Nothing will ever get better. Nobody will understand me. I won’t be able to get better. What’s the point? Nothing works. I’m over it. Things are outside of my control. I can’t do much.
Unhelpful Ways of Thinking
Emotional reasoning
Using emotions to think and relate to yourself
“I feel like I’m a bad person”
“I know I do a lot of things okay at work, but I still feel like I’m a failure”
Magnification/minimization
Minimizing yourself to a fault
Magnifying mistakes or issues to be larger than they are
“Getting a mediocre evaluation proves how inadequate I am. Getting high marks doesn’t mean I’m smart”
“Anyone could do what I do. It’s not hard. It’s really easy”
Mind Reading
Wanting others to mind read and understand your experiences
Filling in the blanks and assuming
Projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto others because they are too uncomfortable for you to feel or think them
“He’s thinking that I don’t know the first thing about this project.”
All-or-nothing thinking
Binary or black and white thinking
Extreme thinking
“If I’m not a total success, I’m a failure.”
“Should”, “never”, “always” and “must” statements
Putting pressure on yourself
Demanding yourself
Self-criticism and self-flagellation as ways of motivating yourself
“It’s terrible that I made a mistake. I should always do my best.”
“I always make mistakes”
“I never get things right”
“I’m always making a fool out of myself”
Unconscious Attraction To Unavailable People
Believing that love is conditional and must be earned
Believing that love hurts
Unavailability is a “safer” choice than liking someone who is available because the price of rejection is higher. It is a bit easier to be rejected by someone you don’t really like or are invested in emotionally
What is Trauma Repetition or Repetition Compulsion?
Repetition Compulsion: “In psychoanalytic theory, an unconscious need to reenact early traumas in the attempt to overcome or master them. Such traumas are repeated in a new situation symbolic of the repressed prototype. Repetition compulsion acts as a resistance to therapeutic change since the goal of therapy is not to repeat but to remember the trauma and to see its relation to present behavior. Also called compulsion to repeat.”
From the APA
Trauma Mastery or Re-enactment
“A definitive understanding of reenactments and the function they serve remains elusive. Herman has written that there is something uncanny about reenactments. While they often appear to be consciously chosen, they have a quality of involuntariness. In addition, although it has been theorized that reenacting a past trauma is a way an individual attempts to master it, lifelong reenactments and reexposure to trauma rarely result in resolution and mastery. Understanding and addressing the fact that traumatized people typically lead traumatizing lives remains a great challenge.”
From A Helpful Way to Conceptualize and Understand Reenactments.
How Our Early Childhood Experiences Impact Our Current Relationships With Ourselves
Being ignored —> Ignoring our own needs/wants/desires/feelings/sensations
Being punished —> Punishing ourselves and/or others
Being invalidated —> Difficulty validating ourself and/or others
Being judged —> Judging ourselves harshly and/or others
Having pressure and expectations put on us —> Putting pressure on ourselves and/or others
Growing up in a chaotic environment —> Seeking out chaos in our personal, occupational, and professional aspects of our lives
And more
Gordon Neufeld’s List of Personality Patterns
When you don't get the attention that you needed, you become consumed with attracting attention.
If you didn't get the approval you needed you'll be consumed with winning approval and have a winning personality.
If you were not valued you'll be craving to measure up to people's expectations so they can value you.
If you weren’t made to feel special you might become very demanding.
If you weren't esteemed for just who you were you'll want to impress people.
If your importance as an individual wasn't valued you might end up in the helping professions, be helping people all the time. That'll give you a sense of importance.
If you weren't liked for who you were, you'll be very, very nice. You will be liked by being nice, and suppress some of your authentic features.
If you weren't loved you might become very charming.
If you weren't recognized for who you were you might be concerned with seeking status. You might become a very successful person and empty inside because this movement to get validated from the outside actually hurts you
How Our Early Childhood Experiences Impact Our Current Relationships With Others
Examples
A therapist who has experienced trauma in the past and has not worked on their issues in depth might bring their issues into the therapy room with their clients
Common scenarios include:
Wanting to save or rescue clients (rescue fantasy)
Over extending/crossing professional boundaries (constant contact outside of the therapy hour)
Doing clients favors, seeing the therapy relationship as a friendship)
Allowing clients to abuse them (verbally, emotionally, etc.) because they’ve been consistently abused in this manner and are accustomed to it
Violating client boundaries such as having a sexual or romantic relationship with a client (e.g. power issues, exploitation, dependency)
Becoming “bored” in a relationship when you are used to chaos, instability, conflict, and tension.
Your partner might be secure, consistent, reliable, and healthy. You wait for them to “mess” up and fail you. What really might be underneath is a discomfort or anxiety.
Selecting the same unhealthy type of person who you know will not be healthy for you
Example: Choosing to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, yet simultaneously desiring emotional intimacy
This then can activate your anxiety and you might want constant validation or assurance from your partner, which causes your partner to flight or avoid.
Subsequently, you feel unworthy, guilty, not good enough and this confirms your bias that you’ll be alone forever and something is wrong with you.
Important Reminders
Trauma is a reason, not an excuse for abusive treatment/behavior
The things that happened to you may not have been your fault, yet it’s your responsibility to heal it and grow from it, as unfair as that is
Hurt people hurt people
Hurt people hurt themselves
Breaking cycles of trauma is possible. Healing is possible. Recovery is possible.
Healing is an individualized journey and this definition depends on the person. Everyone defines healing differently for themselves.
Breaking cycles of trauma requires patience, work, effort, time, money, consistency, and support.
Breaking cycles of trauma often occurs in healthy relationship with others. We rarely heal alone.