What is Avoidant Attachment Style?
What is Attachment?
Attachment is all about how we connect and bond with the important people in our lives, like our parents or caregivers.
What is Avoidant Attachment?
It's a way of relating to others that some people develop based on their early experiences.
People with an avoidant attachment style often find it hard to trust others and to let themselves get too close emotionally. This doesn't mean they don't want connection or love, but they may be afraid of being hurt or rejected.
It's important to remember that this attachment style is not something people choose; it's a way they learned to cope based on their past experiences.
Common Avoidant Attachment Triggers
Intimacy and Vulnerability
Opening up and sharing deep emotions can trigger feelings of discomfort or fear, leading them to withdraw or distance themselves from others.
Fear of Rejection
This fear can arise from past experiences where they felt abandoned or dismissed, making them hesitant to seek closeness or express their needs. The fear of being rejected can be a powerful trigger that affects their willingness to engage in relationships.
Perceived Loss of Independence
Avoidant individuals value their independence and self-sufficiency. Anything that threatens their sense of autonomy or freedom can trigger anxiety or discomfort. They may perceive certain situations or commitments as limitations on their independence, causing them to withdraw or create emotional distance.
Intense Emotional Situations
When faced with conflict, emotional demands, or strong expressions of feelings, they may feel overwhelmed and respond by withdrawing or shutting down. These situations can trigger a fear of losing control or becoming emotionally entangled.
Excessive Demands for Closeness
While all relationships require a certain level of closeness, avoidantly attached individuals can feel overwhelmed by excessive demands for emotional connection or dependency. Feeling suffocated or trapped by such expectations can trigger their avoidance behaviors as a way to protect themselves from perceived emotional engulfment.
Quotes
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
“Maybe there is something deeply wrong with me,” Carol tells me. “It’s just like my mom used to say, I am too difficult to love.”
“How did this way of dealing with emotion work to keep the most important relationships in your life intact?”
“When that person is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we face being out in the cold, alone and helpless. We are assailed by emotions — anger, sadness, hurt, and above all, fear. This is not so surprising when we remember that fear is our built-in alarm system; it turns on when our survival is threatened. Losing connection with our loved one jeopardizes our sense of security. The alarm goes off in the brain’s amygdala, or Fear Central,”
“Avoidants are not exactly open books and tend to repress rather than express their emotions.”
“Other studies have found that faced with a stressful life event ... avoidants' defenses are quick to break down and they then appear and behave just like people with an anxious attachment style.”
“If you're avoidant, you connect with romantic partners but always maintain some mental distance and an escape route.”
“Susan, who has an avoidant attachment style, ... sees need as a weakness and looks down on people who become dependent on their partner,”