Adult Attachment Styles & Questionnaire
Learn ABOUT your attachment styles and how this impacts your relationship with others
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Adult attachment styles
Adult Attachment Styles
Click on each box below to expand and read more information.
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Attachment theory was first introduced by John Bowlby, who posited that infants develop a relational pattern based on the interactions they have with their caregivers.
Attachment is all about how we connect and bond with the important people in our lives, like our parents or caregivers.
Our early experiences impact our ability to form healthy interpersonal relationships with not just others, but with ourselves.
Human beings are relational beings; we require connection to thrive and survive.
We are impacted and shaped by those who cared for us growing up as well as our cultural and social contexts.
Infants and children in particular are “attached” to their mother or primary caregiver.
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Sometimes, those we trusted to take care of us during childhood failed to do so through abuse (what happened to us) and neglect (what didn’t happen to us and what we didn’t receive).
When this happened, we learned ways of adapting and surviving to get our needs for love and connection met.
In other words, how we expect others to treat us, how we treat others, if we believe we are worthy of love, and how we love others are the effects of our early childhood experiences, cultural influences, and social environment.
Essentially, attachment trauma impacts our ability to feel safe with others and ourselves.
We feel chronically unsafe, mistrustful, and anxious in relationships, and this manifests through the push and pull of desperately craving healthy connection, yet also fearful and ambivalent of connection and pulling away.
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Nobody has truly one 100% secure attachment all the time or one type of attachment style 100% of the time.
You can have a mix and your attachment style can also shift depending on who you are with.
We can think of this as tendencies, patterns, or strategies we use to maintain connection and disconnection.
There are generally 4 types of attachment styles.
Secure Attachment
Insecure - Avoidant
Insecure - Anxious
Insecure - Disorganized
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Secure Attachment
Secure Attachment
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Capacity to express full and wide range of emotions
Has the ability to self-soothe and regulate self when overwhelmed
Has the ability to share feelings and emotions
Is generally okay with others’ feelings and emotions
Has the ability to show and convey empathy
Reach & Receive: Can ask for needs and wants as well as receive love and affirmation from others
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Core components of someone who has secure attachment includes the following.
Overall, they are able to:
Generally have close, intimate relationships with others
Have satisfying, mutually beneficial relationships
Ask for what they want without feeling overwhelming guilt
Repair and make up after a conflict/fight/disagreement
Identify how they feel at a given moment
Talk about their thoughts and feelings in a direct manner
Process their feelings as they arise
Are comfortable being alone and being with others
Are comfortable with themselves
Are comfortable in their body
Can handle life transitions, adjustments, and changes with a sense of ease and regulation
Overall have good sense of Self (Self esteem, Self worth, Self confidence, Self acceptance, Self love)
Generally, they do not:
Hold long standing grudges
Internalize/avoid/distract from their thoughts and feelings
Allow their feelings to overwhelm them to an extreme
Allow their negative thoughts/self talk to dictate their choices and decision making
Expect others to read their mind and assume what they need/want/are thinking
Ruminate and overthink on past situations to an extreme
Consistently judge/criticize/beat themselves up for making a mistake
Concern themselves about other people's approval, acceptance, view, or perspective of them
Insecure - Avoidant
Insecure - Avoidant
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The desire for self-sufficiency/independence/reliance is often so great that it serves as a vehicle for avoiding intimacy
Often have a poor view of themselves, lower self esteem, and don't feel that they are worthy of the attention and approval of their partners.
Restricted emotions and empathy
Tend to not show their emotions and even push them away so as not to have to experience them (hiding/suppression/internalizing/etc.)
Tendency to seek and therefore receive less intimacy from their partners.
Comforts self with things, activities, distractions such as exercising, work, food, substances, television, etc.
Addictions and substance use is common
Finds it difficult to share feelings
Difficulty with commitment and intimacy
Suppression of needs and wants
Values distance and space
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Dismissive Avoidant
Tend to undervalue intimate relationships and value their own autonomy/independence/space.
Tendency to dismiss intimate relationships as unnecessary or even unimportant and they are often defensive about their viewpoint.
Tend to view themselves as better than their partners, who they see as inferior.
Fearful Avoidant
Tend to want intimate relationships, but are fearful and overly cautious about allowing themselves to experience them (fear of pain, rejection, abandonment, judgement, lack of independence/agency/freedom)
Mistrustful about the motives of their partners and have a hard time being cared for (receiving love is harder than giving it)
In general, these people tend to remove themselves first from any type of relationship where they fear they might be rejected.
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COMMON TRIGGERS
Lack of direct communication/passive aggressive communication
Inconsistency around communication
The silent treatment
Incongruence (words don’t match actions, actions don’t match words, tone doesn’t match behavior, etc.)
Uncertainty around plans
Uncertainty around intentions
Perception and/or reality of being controlled
Perception and/or reality of being disrespected
Perception and/or reality of being ignored
Perception and/or reality of being rejected
Perception and/or reality of being abandoned
Invasion of physical space
Invasion of privacy and confidentiality
Feeling attacked, blamed
Aggression
Intimacy and Vulnerability
Opening up and sharing deep emotions can trigger feelings of discomfort or fear, leading them to withdraw or distance themselves from others.
Fear of Rejection
This fear can arise from past experiences where they felt abandoned or dismissed, making them hesitant to seek closeness or express their needs.
The fear of being rejected can be a powerful trigger that affects their willingness to engage in relationships.
Perceived Loss of Independence
Avoidant individuals value their independence and self-sufficiency.
Anything that threatens their sense of autonomy or freedom can trigger anxiety or discomfort.
They may perceive certain situations or commitments as limitations on their independence, causing them to withdraw or create emotional distance.
Intense Emotional Situations
When faced with conflict, emotional demands, or strong expressions of feelings, they may feel overwhelmed and respond by withdrawing or shutting down.
These situations can trigger a fear of losing control or becoming emotionally entangled.
Excessive Demands for Closeness
While all relationships require a certain level of closeness, avoidantly attached individuals can feel overwhelmed by excessive demands for emotional connection or dependency.
Feeling suffocated or trapped by such expectations can trigger their avoidance behaviors as a way to protect themselves from perceived emotional engulfment.
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COMMON CHALLENGES
Discomfort with vulnerability (fears relying on others)
Discomfort with intimacy (may struggle with getting too attached or push others away to protect themselves)
Being open with their inner world (thoughts, feelings, desires) and tend to be more closed off
Share and express their feelings with others (tend to keep feeling to themselves and deal with things themselves)
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When faced with challenge, barriers, and discomfort, generally, the following are strategies to de-activate individuals with an avoidant attachment style.
Withdrawing/isolating self from others/shutting down emotionally
Deleting text messages, emails, photos
Unfollowing others on social media
Blocking others (email, text, calls, etc.)
Attacking self (self judgement, criticism, denigration, devaluing, labeling)
Criticism & Attacking Others
Judgement, criticism, denigration, devaluing, labeling)
Shame Spiraling
“I am bad”
Feelings of inappropriate/overwhelming guilt
Black and white/binary thoughts
I never
I always
You should know
Stonewalling
Refusing to communicate with another person and withdrawing from the conversation to create distance between the individual and their partner.
Defensiveness
Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack
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Core components of someone who has avoidant attachment includes the following.
Overall, they generally experience the following:
Extreme negative beliefs/stories/narratives about themselves and others
Self reliance is helpful
Hyperindependence is helpful
Vulnerability is not helpful
Relying on others is not helpful
Relying on others is foreign, new, uncomfortable, strange, etc.
Beliefs that love is painful, hurtful, can be taken away, inconsistent, unreliable, etc.
High levels of guilt and shame
I did something bad
I am bad
I am inadequate
There is something wrong with me
I lack something
And more
Emotionally exhausting. It’s tiring to:
Put on a “mask” or facade and switch back and forth
Suppress, avoid, internalize thoughts and feeling
Suffer alone in isolation and withdrawal
Using strategies/skills/tools to protect themselves from perceived or real harm, pain, and discomfort
Logic and using one’s brain
Fixing & solving
Future planning and orientation
Focus on external things li
e:
Work
Achievements
Awards
Productivity
Hobbies
Image
Focus on self reliance
Dismissing
attempts for help
Discomfort with receving help
Saying “I don’t need help”
Discomfort With Feelings
s
Discomfort With Intimacy
Prefers physical distance and space
Fear of being encroached upon emotionally and having someone rely on them
Paradoxical & Confusing
“Come away, get closer”
Pushing people away and then missing them
Missing people when they are emotionally and physically distant
Adult attachment styles
Insecure - Anxious
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Desires closeness, but rarely ever enough
Enmeshment & Codependency: “Merges” with other
Fear of abandonment and rejection
Clings and criticizes
Cautious about depending on others
Difficulty feeling comforted
Pursuing to almost aggression to obtain a response
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Lack of direct communication/transparency
Lack of emotional intimacy
Lack of vulnerability
Lack of physical affection/touch
Being ignored
Being ghosted
Distance & Physical Separation
When’s someone doesn’t return phone calls or texts regularly and consistently
Inconsistency & Incongruency
Change in style/tone of communication (e.g. going from warm to cold)
Overwhelming Emotions
Fear of Abandonment
Seeking Reassurance
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When faced with challenge, barriers, and discomfort, generally, the following are strategies to de-activate individuals with an anxious attachment style.
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Core components of someone who has anxious attachment includes the following.
questionnaire
Questionnaire
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What did you learn from your family about emotions and vulnerability?
Were healthy emotions modeled?
Were emotions restricted and internalized?
Were emotions labeled bad or good?
Did one parent/caregiver feel more than the other?
Or were emotions equally modeled by both caregivers/parents?
What does your culture value and prioritize?
What’s your migration history?
Were you born in the United States?
Are you part of the majority culture?
Does your culture value independence, interdependence, codependence, or a mix?
What did you learn about differences growing up?
Did you have a dependable parental or caregiver figure?
Was your parent/caregiver consistent and/or predictable?
Were they inconsistent, chaotic, and/or uncertain?
Who did you turn to for comfort and support as a child?
What did comfort and support look like growing up?
How did you experience comfort and support growing up?
Who do you turn to for comfort and support now?
What does comfort and support look like now?
Do you turn to people for support and comfort?
Do you turn to yourself for support and comfort?
Do you turn to substances, distractions, and/or other forms of avoidance for support and comfort?
Do you ask for what you need?
How do you ask for what you need?
If not, why not? What prevents you?
How do you receive love?
Do you receive love and allow yourself to receive love?
If not, why not? What prevents you?
How do you give love to others?
How do you show love to others?
Do you show love to others?
If not, why not? What prevents you?
What causes most discomfort in relationships?
What scares you in relationships?
How do you temper your discomfort?
How do your relationships end?
Do you leave people?
Do people leave you?
Is it mutually agreed upon and based on open communication?
Do you stay in relationships even when they are no longer helpful and healthy?
How do you let others know something is bothering you?
Do you let others know?
If not, why not? What prevents you?
When you feel overwhelmed emotionally, who do you tell?
Do you tell anyone?
If not, why not? What prevents you?
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Take the free, 5 minute attachment style quiz to explore how childhood conditioning manifests in your adult relationships.
This quiz, adapted from Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's bestselling book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love, will help you figure out your own attachment style.
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