Awareness

1. The quality or state of being aware : knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists

—

The first stage of working toward secure attachment is awareness.

Awareness involves acknowledging and accepting the existence of trauma and its impact on your life.

This means awareness of how traumatic experiences such as assault, incest, bullying, childhood abuse, emotional neglect, war, torture, natural disasters may have shaped your sense of self.

Some people are unaware their trauma impacts their issues in the present day.

They may even attribute their issues to something else like their personality, temperament, or attitude.

This is why there are awareness campaigns and awareness months like Breast Cancer Awareness Month, National Alzheimer's Disease Awareness Month, and National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.

QUOTES

Dan Siegel states: “Awareness creates the possibility of choice.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Acknowledging and accepting the existence of attachment issues and its impact on your life

• Making a list in your head, on your laptop/tablet/phone, and/or on a piece of paper how attachment issues have impacted your life

• Re-reading this list every so often (once a week, once a month, etc.) so you don’t forget and keep the awareness top of mind

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• How do I define trauma?

• Who do I think of when I think of a trauma survivor or someone impacted by trauma? What does this person look like?

REFERENCES

• "awareness" Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

• Siegel, D. J. (2018). Aware : the science and practice of Presence, the groundbreaking meditation practice. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.

• Understanding your stage of change is important before taking any sort of action because self knowledge is key toward change.

• Change also requires less energy when we know our own stage of change. Pressuring ourselves or forcing ourselves to heal and change rarely leads to long term, sustainable changes.

• If you don’t want to change, then you don’t necessarily need to. No one can force you.

• It’s also important to note social contexts matter. Priorities are different for everyone based on where they are at on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

  • Physiological needs are more critical than self-actualisation, so having a safe home to live, food, and security should be prioritized first.

    • Having a safe place to live is important toward healing

    • Having a healthy social support system is important toward healing

    • Having accesss to quality health and mental health care is important toward healing

    • Having money is important toward healing

    • And more

• Ambivalence is uncertainty about change.

  • A part of you wants to change.

  • A part of you doesn’t want to change.

  • A part of you is scared to change.

  • A part of you is anxious to change.

  • A part of you is nervous to change.

• Change is scary because it involves the unknown, giving up what we’re used to, replacing what we are used to, doing less of what we are used to, etc.

• Ambivalence about change is normal. We are all ambivalent about something during some point in our lives.

• Resistance to change is an expression of ambivalence about change, not a defining trait or characteristic about you.

• It’s the therapist’s job (if you are in treatment), to help you resolve your ambivalence about change.

• It’s your job to be honest with yourself about where you are on your stage of change instead of lying to yourself, avoiding the truth, fantasizing about what could be, pressuring yourself to heal quickly as possible, etc.

• Even in therapy, it is estimated that clients and factors outside of the therapy account for about 40% of the change that takes place (Assay & Lambert, 1999).

  • The client change factors include the client’s level of motivation, perceptions of the therapy, commitment to the therapy framework, and integration of concepts into everyday life (Bohart & Wade, 2013).

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Print out the stages of change model and worksheets and fill it out

• Print it out and re-read it every so often so you don’t forget and keep it top of mind

• Re-print this worksheet every so often and fill it out again to see if you’ve changed where you are on the stage of change

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• Do you think you experienced trauma?

• Are you willing to make a commitment to interrupt trauma survival tendencies in the next month?

• Do you know what steps to take to interrupt trauma survival tendencies?

• Have you told others (family, friends, etc.) about your desire to interrupt trauma survival tendencies?

• Do you need to change people, places, or things to help you heal from trauma?

• Do you need to address new ways of dealing with upsetting feelings?

• Are you willing to participate in a musual support program or other form of social support?

• Do you know your personal risk factors that make you feel vulnerable to using sabotaging and acting out and have strategies to cope with these?

• Do you know your personal protective factors that protect you and continue to protect you from acting out and sabotaging?

• Is your life generally in balance? Do you have a healthy support system?

RESOURCES

• Stages of Change (Motivational Interviewing)

• Transition To Change

• Change Plan Worksheets

REFERENCES

• Asay, T.P., & Lambert, M.J. (1999). The empirical case for the common factors in therapy: Quantitative findings.

• Bohart. A. C., & Wade, A. G. (2013). The Client in Psychotherapy. In M. J. Lambert (Ed.), Bergin and Garfield’s Handbook of Psychotherapy and Behavior Change (6th ed., pp. 219-257). Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

• Pichère, P., & Cadiat, A.-C. (2015). Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Lemaitre.

Education

1. The action or process of educating or of being educated also : a stage of such a process

2. The knowledge and development resulting from the process of being educated

—

Education and understanding the effects of trauma is crucial because it can lead to more accurate beliefs and knowledge, and thus to better lifestyle choices, but also to better skills and greater self-advocacy.

QUOTES

Bessel van der Kolk states: “Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on—unchanged and immutable—as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past.”

Gabor Mate states: “The greatest damage done by neglect, trauma or emotional loss is not the immediate pain they inflict but the long-term distortions they induce in the way a developing child will continue to interpret the world and her situation in it.

All too often these ill-conditioned implicit beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives.

We create meanings from our unconscious interpretation of early events, and then we forge our present experiences from the meaning we’ve created.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Read a short article summarizing what trauma is

• Read a short article summarizing what trauma recovery is and looks like

• Read a short article summarizing what trauma is and its impacts on human development

• Listen to podcasts, watch videos, read books on trauma

To learn more about trauma click here.

FORUMS

• PTSD Recovery

• PTSD

• CPTSD

• CPTSDNextSteps

• Raised By Narcissists

• AsianParentStories

RESOURCES

• PTSD VA

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

• Eggshell Therapy and Coaching

• Beauty After Bruises

• Healing & CPTSD

• Alice Miller’s Childhood Trauma Blog/Reader’s Mail

• Complex Trauma.Org

• Out of the Storm

• NICABM

• Psych Alive

• Brown Girl Trauma

WORKBOOK

• What Is Complex Trauma: A Resource Guide for Youth and Those Who Care About Them

• Complex Trauma Spotlight Report – Living with and Healing from Complex Trauma – Digital Download

BOOKS

If money is a barrier. I recommend borrowing books from your local library.

• Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror

• Legacy: Trauma, Story, and Indigenous Healing

• CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

• Getting Unstuck from PTSD: Using Cognitive Processing Therapy to Guide Your Recovery

• The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity

• The Drama Of The Gifted Child by Alice Miller

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

• Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb

• Emotional Inheritance by Galit Atlas

• Journey Through Trauma by Gretchen Schmelzer

• The Body Keeps the Score

• The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse

• Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome

  Healing Racial Trauma: The Road to Resilience by Sheila Wise Rowe

• It’s Not Me: Understanding Complex Trauma, Attachment, and Dissociation

• Not the Price of Admission: Healthy Relationships after Childhood Trauma By Laura Brown

• Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

• What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

• When the Body Says No

• The Adverse Childhood Experiences Recovery Workbook

• No Bad Parts. Healing Trauma & Restoring Wholeness With the Internal Family Systems Model

• It Didn't Start With You. How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle

• The Deepest Well. Healing the Long-term Effects of Childhood Adversity

• The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog

• My Grandmother's Hands. Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies

• Trauma Stewardship. An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others

• SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything: How Unresolved Shame Gets in the Way of Our Humanity

VIDEOS

• How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris | TED

• Understanding Trauma: Learning Brain vs Survival Brain

• This Is How Trauma Leads to PTSD

• Trauma and the Incredible Hulk

• Jacob Ham, PhD: "The Opposite of Trauma is Presence" (Ep 1 of the Fresh Start Podcast)

• What Really Helps Trauma? | Dr. Jacob Ham, Being Well Podcast (Cross-Post)

PODCASTS

• Lovelink Podcast. Haunted by History

• Bessel van der Kolk. How Trauma Lodges in the Body, Revisited

• Rachel Yehuda. How Trauma and Resilience Cross Generations

• Judith Herman. Our Collective Trauma.

• Resmaa Menakem - “Notice the Rage; Notice the Silence”

REFERENCES

• "trauma” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

Understanding

1. A mental grasp : COMPREHENSION

2. The power of comprehending. especially : the capacity to apprehend general relations of particulars

3. The power to make experience intelligible by applying concepts and categories

4. A mutual agreement not formally entered into but in some degree binding on each side

—

FAMILY

We all come from families of some sort, whether biological or adopted.

We are also informed by our culture and larger society.

This can include, but is not limited to: class, gender, race, ethnicity, migration, sexuality, ability status, faith, religion, and more.

Understanding the families and culture we come from gives us understanding and insight into why we are the we are, in particular our personal boundaries.

Perhaps our family members and/or caregivers abused, harmed, and/or neglected us.

Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.

A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

Read more here.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• How are problems and disagreements addressed in your family? Are they?

• Who usually brings up problems first?

• Who is the most outwardly stressed person in your family?

• Who is the most inwardly stressed person?

• Is there a mediator in your family?

• What role do you inhabit in your family?

• What would happen if you stopped or engaged less in your family role?

• How is love and care shown in your family?

• Do you feel able to ask for help from your family members?

• Are there topics in your family that are not discussed openly?

• How are differences handled in your family? This could be differences in beliefs, religion, faith, sexuality, gender, and so forth.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about your own family system (roles, rituals, beliefs, patterns, norms)

RESOURCES

• Learn about Bowen Theory

• Dysfunctional Family Roles

• Letters from Esther #46: The Power of Chosen Family

• Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family

Boundaries

• a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.

• in psychotherapy, an important limit that is usually set by the therapist as part of the ground rules in treatment. Boundaries may involve areas of discussion (e.g., the therapist’s personal life is off limits) or physical limits (e.g., rules about touching), which are guided by ethical codes and standards. Respect for boundaries by both the therapist and client is an important concept in the therapeutic relationship.

—

Trauma can affect our ability to have satisfying relationships with others.

Common experiences include:

• Mistrust and difficulty trusting others

• Difficulty being close to people and intimacy

• Problems in sexual relationships

• Isolation and withdrawal

• Difficulties with boundaries

In particular, trauma disrupts our personal boundaries.

—

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn how trauma impacted your development of personal boundaries

• Learn about different types of boundaries and which one you most identify with

• Learn how to work toward assertive communication and healthier boundaries

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• Do I ask for what I need and want? If not, why not?

• How am I comfortable being touched by others? Who am I comfortable being touched by?

• Can I say no without feeling intense guilt?

• Do I expect other people to read my mind?

• Do I accommodate other people to avoid conflict, feelings of guilt, and/or for them to like me?

• What are the biggest things that stop you from setting and holding boundaries?

• What takes priority when I am dividing up my free time?

• Can I be myself when I’m with my friends? My family? My partner? My co-workers?

• Do I feel good about myself when I’m with my friends? My family? My partner? My co-workers?

RESOURCES

• Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

• Nedra Glover Tawwab

• Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

Attachment

1. A strong emotional bond that an infant forms with a caregiver (such as a mother) especially when viewed as a basis for normal emotional and social development

   Of course, the mother provides food and warmth, but for the purposes of attachment what really matters is the sense of safety, comfort, and refuge the mother provides.

   —Henry Gleitman et al

2. Also : the process by which an infant forms such an emotional bond

   Healthy attachment, via attuned parenting, equips human beings for resilience, success, and emotional, psychological, and physiological well-being.

   —Lindsey Porter

—

Attachment is the relationship style/framework we form during our childhood based on how we grew up and who raised us (caregivers or parents).

Attachment style is how we feel and behave in relationships. It's like a pattern or a map that guides our interactions with others.

Understanding our attachment style can help us bond and connect in healthier and more satisfying ways with those we care about.

Understand your attachment styles can help you understand why you behave the way we do in you relationships, instead of feeling confused and overwhelmed.

Read more here.

QUOTES

Amir Levine states: “Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about adult attachment styles

• Identify your attachment style(s)

• Identify your attachment style(s) under different contexts (at home, with family, with friends, at work, with strangers)

• Identify how your attachment style(s) may have shifted in the past to the present day

• Identify what strategies/skills/tools you use when you’re under pressure/feel vulnerable/feel exposed/feel overwhelmed/etc.

• Identify what you need from yourself and others when you utilize the aforementioned strategies/skills/tools (e.g. reassurance, validation, physical space, physical touch)

RESOURCES

• Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

• Experiences in Close Relationships Scale

REFERENCES

• "attachment” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

Trauma can affect the way you think.

Common experiences include:

• Problems with attention and concentration

• Confused thinking

• Thoughts that get in the way of daily activities

• Memory issues

Core beliefs are beliefs a person has about themselves, others, and the world.

Core beliefs help us to make sense of our world by organizing experiences into familiar patterns.

Core beliefs can be negative or positive, but with trauma, they are usually negative and related to the traumatic events.

A negative core belief is a broad, negative, and generalized judgement you have made about yourself, based on some previous negative experiences (childhood, past relationship, past work experience, life experiences)

Core beliefs can shift gradually with practice and effort, but become more stable and stronger over time if left unchecked.

This also requires changing our automatic reactions and patterns under stress and pressure, not just the negative core belief.

By identifying our core beliefs, we can learn how we get in our own way and limit our growth and healing.

Changing our negative core beliefs we have about ourselves contributes to a higher sense of Self.

It’s possible to have healthier, effective, realistic, and helpful beliefs about ourselves.

It’s an ongoing process and lifelong journey to continue challenge our negative core beliefs.

Read more here.

QUOTES

Gabor Mate states: ‘Choice begins the moment you disidentify from the mind and its conditioned patterns, the moment you become present.

Until you reach that point, you are unconscious.’

In present awareness we are liberated from the past.”

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What are the thoughts/stories/beliefs I tell myself on a daily basis?

• Are these thoughts negative? Positive? How do I feel when I have these thoughts?

• Do these daily thoughts help me or harm me? Are they effective or ineffective toward creating a life worth living for myself?

• What’s a different way of thinking about this story/belief?

• What if this thought/story/belief isn’t 100% true?

• What are your fears? What are you most scared of?

• What are your unhealed wounds? Are you aware of them?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the concept of core beliefs or schemas

• Identify your own core beliefs

• Write down your core beliefs on a piece of paper

• Explore ways to challenge your core beliefs

• Learn about growth mindset and fixed mindset

• Learn about internal locus of control and external locus of control

RESOURCES

• Core Beliefs and Assumptions in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: A Case Example

• Challenging Core Beliefs

• 18 Early Schemas Defined

• Early Schemas & Coping Styles

• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

• The Influence of Growth Mindset on the Mental Health and Life Events of College Students

• Teaching: Applying a Growth Mindset to Mental Disorders

• Mindsets and adolescent mental health

• Locus of control, self-control, and health outcomes

• Exploring the impacts of perceived locus of control on post-traumatic stress disorder among disaster survivors: A systematic review

active coping

1. a stress-management strategy in which a person directly works to control a stressor through appropriately targeted behavior, embracing responsibility for resolving the situation using one’s available internal resources.

   1. This type of coping strategy may take various forms, such as changing established habits.

   2. Active coping generally is considered adaptive, having been associated with fewer mood disturbances, enhanced self-efficacy, and other favorable consequences.

   3. It is similar to the earlier conceptualization of problem-focused coping but distinguished by its focus upon one’s internal resources.

maladaptation

1. a condition in which biological traits or behavior patterns are detrimental, counterproductive, or otherwise interfere with optimal functioning in various domains, such as successful interaction with the environment and effectual coping with the challenges and stresses of daily life.

—

ADAPTIVE COPING

Any adaptive behaviors or strategies used excessively can be maladaptive and depends on a variety of factors and contexts..

For example, using humor excessively or using distraction excessively.

Excessive is a subjective experience and is different for everyone.

• Seeking help/asking for help

• Attending support groups

• Communication

• Venting to friends

• Positive reframing/cognitive restructuring

• Allowing yourself to feel your emotions

• Crying

• Problem solving

• Humor

• Giving back/volunteering/advocacy

• Gratitude

• Self compassion

• Mindfulness

• Meditation

• Journaling

• Artistic expression/creative pursuits

• Listening to music

• Playing music

• Going for a walk

• Going for a bike ride

• Lifestyle factors

  • Sleep

  • Exercise

  • Nutrition

• Distraction

• Connection/relationships

• Spirituality

• Faith and religion

• Attending therapy

• Unattaching

• And more

MALADAPTIVE COPING

Any behaviors or strategies used excessively is maladaptive and depends on a variety of factors and contexts.

• Drinking alcohol

• Using drugs

• Disordered eating

• Purging

• Food restriction

• Binging

• Addiction

• Avoidance

• Internalizing

• Taking care of others

• Rescuing others

• Over compensation

• Surrendering

• People pleasing/fawning

• Control

• Having power over others and abusing my power

• Venting to friends (over and over with no insight, change, or awareness)

• Keeping problems to yourself

• Suffering in silence/alone

• Running away physically

• Running away emotionally

• Sleeping excessively/to avoid

• Self harm

• Suicidality

• Homicidality

• Anger and rage

• Fighting others

• Catastrophizing

• Mind reading and assuming

• Rumination

• Perfectionism

• Overworking

• Denial

• Pretend like everything is fine

• Lying to others

• Lying to myself

• Dissociating

• Blaming others

• Blaming yourself

• Judging others

• Judging yourself

• Labeling

• Comparison

• Shame spiraling

• Self destructive

  behaviors

• Self sabotage

• Laughter

• Scrolling on social media for hours

• And more

QUOTES

Virginia Satir states: “Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.”

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What coping strategies have I found helpful in the past?

• What coping strategies have I found unhelpful in the past?

• How long have I using my skills/tools?

• How easy or difficulty will I think it will be to edit, change, or stop using my skills/tools?

• Who will help me edit, change, or stop my maladaptive skills/tools?

• How willI keep myself accountable?

• Who can be an accountability partner for me?

RESOURCES

• Coping Styles

• Survival Strategies

REFERENCES

• Valent, Paul. (2012). Trauma: Survival Strategies.

Trigger (Merriam-Webster)

1. To cause an intense and usually negative emotional reaction in (someone)

Trigger (APA)

1. A stimulus that elicits a reaction. For example, an event could be a trigger for a memory of a past experience and an accompanying state of emotional arousal.

—

A trigger is a stimulus that sets off a memory of a trauma or a specific portion of a traumatic experience.

Imagine you were trapped briefly in a car after an accident. Then, several years later, you were unable to unlatch a lock after using a restroom stall; you might have begun to feel a surge of panic reminiscent of the accident, even though there were other avenues of escape from the stall.

Some triggers can be identified and anticipated easily, but many are subtle and inconspicuous, often surprising the individual or catching him or her off guard.

In treatment, it is important to help clients identify potential triggers, draw a connection between strong emotional reactions and triggers, and develop coping strategies to manage those moments when a trigger occurs.

A trigger is any sensory reminder of the traumatic event: a noise, smell, temperature, other physical sensation, or visual scene.

Triggers can generalize to any characteristic, no matter how remote, that resembles or represents a previous trauma, such as revisiting the location where the trauma occurred, being alone, having your children reach the same age that you were when you experienced the trauma, seeing the same breed of dog that bit you, or hearing loud voices.

Triggers are often associated with the time of day, season, holiday, or anniversary of the event.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn what triggers are

• Identify your own personal triggers

• Learn the causes of your personal triggers

• Avoid and/or limit triggers as much as possible in daily life

• Learn skills to manage triggers during and after a triggering experience. This can include:

  • Naming your feelings and sensations

  • Feeling your feelings and sensations

  • Taking a pause or break

  • Getting physical space

  • Mindfulness

  • Slowing down

  • Befriending your nervous system

  • Relaxation skills like breathing, self soothing, guided imagery, etc.

  • Grounding skills like 54321

  • Neuroception

  • Deep breathing

  • Box breathing

  • Paced breathing

  • Belly breathing

  • Changing your body temperature

  • Thought challenging

  • Acceptance

  • And more

• Practice taking good care of yourself during and after a triggering experience

• Learn how to validate and acknowledge yourself when triggered

• Learn about the benefits of mindfulness (the present moment without judgement) for management of triggers

• Learn how to slow down and practice mindfulness (the present moment without judgement)

RESOURCES

• Trauma Reminders: Triggers

• Trauma trigger

• The Ekmans' Atlas of Emotions

• Micro Expressions

• Managing Your Triggers

• Exercise on Identifying Triggers

• What is Complex Trauma (page 18 - Making Things Better)

• DBT Behavior Chain Analysis

PODCASTS

• How to Heal Your Triggers and Trauma with Peter Levine

• How to understand & heal your trauma | Gabor Maté

REFERENCES

• "trigger” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

• "trigger” APA Dictionary of Psychology 2024. https://dictionary.apa.org (8 May 2024)

Trauma can affect the way you feel.

Those impacted by trauma tend to feel unsafe, mistrustful, on edge, anxious, and fearful.

Judith Herman states: “After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment.”

Common experiences include:

• Overwhelming feelings

• Too little or no emotion

• Depression

• Anxiety and panic

• Feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless

• Shame and guilt

• Anger and rage

• Grief and sadness

SELF SOOTHING & REGULATION

Under pressure and stress, we react in a repeated and habitual pattern and engage in familiar behaviors.

This keeps us stuck in our insecure attachment style.

By learning how to self soothe, we can learn to reflect rather than react.

Self-soothing refers to any behavior we use to regulate our emotional state by ourselves.

Self-soothing behaviors are often developed in the early years of life, are repetitive/habitual in nature, and are often viewed by a child or adolescent as calming or comforting.

CO-REGULATION

Self regulation and soothing is important when we are overwhelmed.

It’s also important we learn how to co-regulate.

Co regulation is defined as “the interactive process by which caring adults (1) provide warm supportive relationships, (2) promote self-regulation through coaching, modeling, and feedback, and (3) structure supportive environments.”(Co-Regulation in Human Services)

As Diane Pool Heller states: “Self-regulation and co-regulation are both needed and beneficial throughout our lifetime.

Many of us have established techniques to regulate our own nervous system—yoga, breathing practices, physical exercise, and meditation—and I don’t want to diminish the importance of how helpful those can be.

Being comfortable in your own skin and having tools that help you relax is a really big deal, but learning how to feel safe with others is revolutionary.”

Bessel van der Kolk states: “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

EMOTIONS

Emotions are very useful. For example, emotions:

• Provide information about an experience or event

• Are a form of validation

• Protect us

• Motivate us

• Prepare us for future events and experiences

• Communicate to others and influence them

Some people feel their emotions deeply and intensely finding it overwhelming without adequate skills to regulate them.

We may lack the ability to name our emotions.

For others, they may even have difficultly feeling their emotions.

Moreover, some people may also have something called alexithymia, or the inability to recognize emotions and their subtleties.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the role of emotions and why we have emotions

• Expand your emotional vocabulary

• Feel your feelings when they arise and come up

• Learn how to process your emotions if you’ve been avoiding or pushing them down

• Learn how to manage your feelings when they overwhelm you

RESOURCES

• The Ekmans' Atlas of Emotions

• Emotions Revealed. Paul Ekman Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life

• Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions: Exploring the Emotion Wheel

• Feelings Wheel

• DBT Emotion Regulation

• DBT RU

• Live Within Your Window of Tolerance

• Healing through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair

REFERENCES

• Co-Regulation in Human Services. (n.d.). Www.acf.hhs.gov. https://www.acf.hhs.gov/opre/project/co-regulation-human-services

• Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and recovery (Rev. ed.). BasicBooks.

• Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, Mary. (2014). Parenting from the inside out : how a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive (10th anniversay edition.). Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, a member of Penguin Group USA.

• Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score : brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

Your thoughts can affect how your body feels, and how your body feels can affect your thoughts.

Trauma affects our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and body.

Trauma often leaves us feeling unsafe and mistrustful.

Many people who experienced trauma dissociation and still dissociate from their body. One of the goals then is to reconnect back to one’s body.

Individuals often find themselves experiencing the following:

• Sleep issue like insomnia and nightmares

• Feeling fatigued and tired

• Feelings of anger, irritability, fear, anxiety, worry, guilt

• Physical complaints such as head aches, nausea, stomach aches, pelvic pain, stomach/digestive problems

• Feeling as if you were reliving the traumatic experience over agai

The body remembers and keeps the score of what we survived.

Feeling more safe in your body is key toward healing from trauma.

QUOTES

Rachel Yehuda states: “Long-lasting responses to trauma result not simply from the experience of fear and helplessness but from how our bodies interpret those experiences.”

Bessel van der Kolk states: “Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies:

The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.

Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”

NEUROCEPTION

• Describes how neural circuits distinguish situations or people are safe, dangerous, or life threatening

• Unconsciously, we detect safety, danger, or threat.

• Detecting person or situation as safe, dangerous, or life threatening, neuroiologically triggers pro-social, defensive, or collapse behaviors.

• Unconsciously, our bodies prepare to fight, flee, or freeze.

• Examples:

  • “I don’t feel safe with this person. This person’s face creeps me out. I don’t like this person’s face. I want to go away and have physical space from this person.”

  • “I feel safe and trust this person. I like how they smile and their face. I also trust their tone of voice. I want to get to know this person more.”

Things you can do to become more aware and familiar with your body and nervous system includes:

• Somatic experiencing

• Yoga

• Breath work

• Guided imagery

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Body scanning

• Qigong

• Tai chi

• Martial arts

• Kendo

• Acupuncture

• Massage/body work

• Stretching

• Mindfulness

• Meditation

• And more

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the body and brain connection including:

  • Window of Tolerance

  • Autonomic Nervous System

  • Dysregulation

  • Dissociation

  • Body armoring

  • And more

• Learn about neurobiology:

  • prefrontal cortex

  • "Fear Circuitry”

  • tonic immobility or collapsed immobility

  • dissociation

  • "auto-pilot" mode

  • Memories

  • fight, flight, freeze responses

• Learn about polyvagal theory

  • Neuroception

  • Vagus nerve

  • Vagal Brake

  • Dorsal Vagal

  • Sympathetic arousal

  • Autonomic Ladder

  • Triggers and Glimmers

  • Fight/Flight (sympathetic nervous system)

  • Collapse/Shutdown/Dissociate (parasympathetic nervous system)

  • Social Engagement System

  • And more

• Learn about somatic therapy and coaching

• Expand your vocabulary with emotions and sensations

  • Common Words for Physical Sensations

  • Feelings Inventory

• Read about how emotions are embodied

  • Mapping Emotions On The Body: Love Makes Us Warm All Over

• Practice self somatic skills on yourself to facilitate the process of bodily healing and becoming more in tune with your sensations

• Seek out a somatic coach, body worker, and/or practitioner to facilitate the process of bodily healing and becoming more in tune with your sensations

• Remind your body if you are currently physically safe, that you are indeed safe through verbal or somatic reminders

• Be patient and compassionate with yourself because it takes time, practice, and effort for our bodies to relax after years and decades of tension, heaviness, and exhaustion of preparing for the worst

Read more here.

—

RESOURCES

Forums

• Lessons from 10 years of CPTSD recovery: What I wish I knew in the beginning

• I assume like me, a lot of ppl here have trauma stored in their bodies and suffer psycho somatic symptoms of anxiety exc…anyone else have crushing chest pressure nearly 24/7 that is so bad, it’s debilitating. I’m constantly short of breath and have been dealing w this for years.

• Great results healing CPTSD with SE (Somatic Experiencing) therapy

• Mega list of attachment and trauma healing techniques (need your input!!)

• My healing process from attachment trauma / emotional neglect

• Aside from yoga, what kind of bodywork has helped release trauma from your body?

Therapy Organizations & Training

• Somatic Experiencing

• Generative Somatics

• Somatic IFS

• TRE (Tension, Stress and Trauma Release)

• Thomas Hanna Somatics

• Linda Thai Somatics

• Polyvagal Theory

• Organic Intelligence | Trauma Safe

Books

• The Body Keeps The Score

• Becoming Safely Embodied: A Guide to Organize Your Mind, Body and Heart to Feel Secure in the World

• When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress

• 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery: Take-Charge Strategies to Empower Your Healing

• My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts

• The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

• Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation for Trauma Recovery: Simple, Safe, and Effective Practices for Therapy

Websites

• Somatic Trauma Therapy

PODCASTS

• Christine Runyan - What’s Happening in Our Nervous Systems?

• Kimberley Wilson - Whole Body Mental Health

• How to Feel Safe, Secure & At Peace - Stephen Porges

• Deb Dana: Befriending Your Nervous System

• Trauma therapist Janina Fisher, PhD on how we can steady our nervous system during stressful times.

REFERENCES

• Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score : brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.

Intention

• What one intends to do or bring about

• A determination to act in a certain way : RESOLVE

• IMPORT, SIGNIFICANCE. A process or manner of healing of incised wounds

Goal

• The end toward which effort is directed : AIM

—-

Goals are specific, measurable objectives that provide direction and structure to our actions, while intentions are the underlying purpose and motivation behind those actions.

By combining the power of intention with well-defined goals, we can create a harmonious and effective approach to achieving our aspirations.

—

Examples of a goal could include:

• Wanting to be more in touch with my body

• Increasing my tolerance for discomfort

• Interrupt patterns of self sabotage

• Understand why I do what I do

• Heal from the impacts of trauma, grief, and loss

• Learn how to manage my traumatic triggers and flashbacks

• Learn how to manage stress, anxiety, panic, and overwhelm

• Learn how to be kinder to myself and practice self compassion.

• Become more aware, name, express, and feel my emotions

• Learn how to manage overwhelming thoughts and emotions

• Have a more intimate, strong, and robust relationship with myself and others

• Become more comfortable with vulnerability

• Learn to ask for what I need and when I need help.

• Learn direct and assertive communication

• Learn healthy and flexible boundaries

• Work through feelings of shame and guilt.

• Increase my sense of Self (confidence, esteem, acceptance, love, compassion).

• Find more meaning and value in my life

Examples of an intention could include:

• Feeling more at ease

• Practicing more compassion for myself

• Practicing more compassion for others

• To be more kind

• To be more open

• To be more grateful

• Letting go

• Acceptance

• To really listen (active listening)

• To slow down

• To go with the flow

• To observe my emotions

• To practice more curiosity

• To be more mindful

• To be more present

• To accept goodness

Things change and you change with time.

What worked for you a year ago may not work for you presently.

Re-evaluate and re-assess your goals, values, growth, and barriers every so often.

In therapy, clients receive a treatment plan and are asked for verbal and/or written feedback (called routine outcome measurement) to adjust their treatment plan.

Routine outcome measurement involves therapists giving their clients self-report scales throughout the course of treatment and using the data to ensure treatment is meeting their clients' needs.

Use of these tools has been shown to reduce dropouts and improve client outcomes.

By re-assessing and re-evalauting, you will be providing yourself feedback on your own healing journey.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What’s going well?

• What am I doing well?

• How have I celebrated my wins/areas of growth/healing? Have I? If not, why not?

• What’s still challenging and difficult for me?

• How am I still getting in my own way?

• How comfortable am I with my feelings and emotions on a self rated scale? How uncomfortable am I?

• How comfortable am I with asserting my personal boundaries to others without having them mind read?

• Am I making space for myself and my inner world?

• How do I talk to myself on a day to day basis?

• How do I talk to myself after a conflict or disagreement?

• How do I talk to myself after I achieve something I wanted to achieve?

• Am I practicing self compassion?

• Have my goals changed? If so, what are they?

• If my goals have changed, do I need to adjust anything in my life?

• Have my values changed? How so? What do I value now?

• Who am I reaching out to from time to time to discuss my inner world and healing work? Am I?

Compassion

1. Sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Self Compassion

1. A construct derived from Buddhist thought and entailing a noncritical stance toward one’s inadequacies and failures. It has been suggested that if self-criticism can lead to negative emotions, self-compassion may promote well-being by protecting one from the negative emotional implications of one’s perceived failings.

—

Instead of responding to ourselves with judgement, criticism, and demand when challenge occur, we can practice self compassion.

Self-compassion involves responding to difficult thoughts and feelings with care and support so that we comfort ourselves when we’re hurting and take action to make needed changes.

Research has shown that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being. It boosts happiness and reduces anxiety and depression.

Practicing self compassion leads to greater ease and well-being in our daily lives.

Healing from trauma requires not only the mind-body connection, but validation, empathy, compassion, and respect for ourselves.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the theory of self compassion

• Learn about the common myths of self compassion

• Learn self compassion application and skills

• Practice self compassion skills as a daily practice

• Learn what are continued challenges/barriers in practicing self compassion

• Practicing compassion to others as a daily/weekly practice

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What are my beliefs around self compassion? Where did this beliefs come from?

• What would I lose/give up if I were to practice more compassion for myself?

• What would I gain from treating myself with more compassion?

• What gets in the way of being my own best friend?

• Is it easy or challenging to treat myself with respect, validation, and compassion?

• How do I treat my closest friends?

• Is it easier for me to treat others with compassion versus myself? Why is this?

RESOURCES

• Self-compassion

• Self-Compassion: The Secret to Reducing PTSD Symptoms?

• Self-compassion in PTSD

• Self-compassion, trauma, and posttraumatic stress disorder: A systematic review

• Self-Compassion and Childhood Trauma Recovery

• Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

• Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion

Forums

• Has anyone succeeded in building self esteem and self compassion?

• self compassion

• What do you guys and gals think of the concept of 'Self-Compassion'?

• I’ve learnt that self-compassion and de-shaming is key to getting out of this

REFERENCES

• "compassion” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

• "self compassion” APA Dictionary of Psychology 2024. https://dictionary.apa.org (8 May 2024)

Ask

1. To call on for an answer

2. To make a request of

Help

1. To give assistance or support to (someone) : to provide (someone) with something that is useful or necessary in achieving an end: improve, relieve

2. To make more pleasant or bearable

3. To be of use to: benefit

—

We cannot do this work alone.

While self reliance may have been and still is a survival strategy for you, long term, there are effects.

Often, trauma occurs in relationships, especially with those who were supposed to take care of us

Conversely, trauma recovery and healing can occur in healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.

We are relational creatures.

Our health depends on having and sustaining healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.

Wangari Maathai states: “I’m very conscious of the fact that you can’t do it alone. It’s teamwork. When you do it alone you run the risk that when you are no longer there nobody else will do it.”

Esther Perel states: The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

Dan Siegel states: “We are not meant to live in isolation, but are dependent on one another for emotional well-being.”

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Identify your current support system

• Create and sustain a support system.

• If you don’t have any friends or suptort, start small with 1 person first and gradually build a relationship.

• Find hobbies to engage in. Do a mixture of solo hobbies and hobbies in a group.

• Volunteer and do something for others. You’ll feel better personally and will also be giving back which feels good.

• Reach out to people you’ve previously had a relationship/friendship that you felt safe, trusted, and overall, enjoyed spending with to see if they want to reconnect. Try not to take it personally too much if they do not respond or do not want to. There could be many reasons why.

• Ask for help when you need it

• Ask for help before you need it. You don’t always have to be in crisis to need help and support.

• Learn why it’s hard/challeging for you to ask for help

• Learn why self-reliance or not asking for help is familiar and/or comfortable for you

RESOURCES

Education

• How Does Social Connectedness Affect Health?

• Social Relationships and Health: A Flashpoint for Health Policy

• Do Social Ties Affect Our Health?

Groups

• NAMI

• NAMI Seattle

• Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCASM)

• Coda

• Workaholics Anonymous

• Adult Children of Alcoholics®& Dysfunctional Families

• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.) – Fellowship

• CPTSD and PTSD Trauma Recovery and Support

• PATH to Healing Addiction and Underlying Trauma Meetings

• Out of the Storm

QUORA

• Quora: C-PTSD Support space

DISCORD

• CPTSD & PTSD Support

SOCIAL MEDIA

• Nate Postlethwait

• Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle

• Subtle Asian Mental Health

• Trauma Informed Parent

• Survivors of CPTSD

• Healing Path To CPTSD

• Child Abuse Survivor

• CPTSD Sufferers & Support

• CPTSD

• CPTSD Foundation

• CPTSD & Me

SUPPORT

• 7 Cups: Free Online Therapist & Counseling

• CPTSD Peer Support Chat Group

• Your Life Counts

• Removing Chains

• Befrienders Worldwide

• Pay What You Can Virtual Peer Support Groups

• Anxious Attachment: A Path Towards Healing

• Healing Attachment Trauma / Improve Your Relationships

REFERENCES

• Maathai, W. (2006). The Green Belt Movement : sharing the approach and the experience. Lantern Books.

• Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2005). Parenting from the inside out. Jeremy P Tarcher.

Take Care Of

1. To attend to or provide for the needs, operation, or treatment of (someone or something)

2. To deal with or do (something that requires effort or attention)

—

Taking good care of yourself is crucial.

This means having a self-care plan that you follow and adhere to.

This also means having a daily practice/habit/routine of some sort where you engage in something daily to ground you and center you.

Having structure, consistency, and a plan helps you manage personal triggers, soothe yourself when overwhelmed, ask for help when you need it, and more.

A self care plan can include the following:

• Getting adequate, regular, and a consistent amount of sleep

• Eating regular, delicious, and nutritious foods you enjoy, fuel you, and nourish your body

• Moving your body in a way that feels good and/or exercising

• Reducing stress as much as possible

• Reducing screen time (tv, cell phone, movies, iPad, etc.)

• Having a sleep regimen

• Going outside for some sunshine everyday and/or using a SAD light

• Avoiding overly using substances such as alcohol, caffeine, and other drugs

• Attending all personal mental health and health appointments to manage and/or prevent chronic illness conditions

• Having a support system in place

• Reaching out to friends and/or family once in awhile to check in and socially connect and engage with others

• Identifying personal triggers and avoiding them as much as possible

• Practicing relaxation and self soothing skills

• Celebrating your wins and areas of growth

• And more

RESOURCES

• Everything Is Awful and I'm Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up

• Lifestyle Medicine

• The Importance of Creating Habits and Routine

• The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

• Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice

• SMART Goal Cheat-Sheet

• BIPOC Self Care

• The Nap Ministry - Rest As Resistance

• Our True Home - Thich Nhat Hanh

PODCASTS

• Pico Iyer - The Urgency of Slowing Down

• Alex Elle -Self-Care as Generational Healing

REFERENCES

• "take care of” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

Practice

1. CARRY OUT, APPLY

2. practice what you preach

3. to do or perform often, customarily, or habitually

4. practice politeness

5. to be professionally engaged in

6. practice medicine

7. 2to perform or work at repeatedly so as to become proficient

8. practice the act

9. to train by repeated exercises

10. practice pupils in penmanship

—

It’s not enough to take good care of ourselves.

We also need to have a daily practice where we:

• Slow down vs. rushing

• Practice mindfulness (noticing in the present moment without judgement)

• Practice curiosity vs. judgement

• Practice awareness vs. ignorance

• Practice gratitude vs. non recognition

• Practice reconnection to ourselves vs. disconnecting from ourselves

Because trauma can never be erased, but only managed, having a consistent daily practice helps ground and fortify us as a protective factor against the uncertainty, complexIty, and chaos of life.

At this point of your stage of healing, you have done so much work and learned so many self-management techniques for your trauma(s).

QUOTE

As Robin Wall Kimmerer states: “Paying attention is a form of reciprocity with the living world, receiving the gifts with open eyes and open heart.”

As Thich Nhat Hanh states:

“I have arrived. I am home.

In the here, in the now.

I am solid, I am free.

In the ultimate I dwell.”

A daily practice can include the following:

• Practicing mindfulness and/or meditation

• Practicing self compassion

• Practicing gratitude

• Journaling or writing

• Drawing or sketching

• Coloring

• Painting

• Daily walks in your neighborhood to grab coffee or tea to get sunshine, movement, and social interaction

• Daily walks with your dog

• Yoga

• Stretching

• Qigong

• And more

RESOURCES

• Health Benefits of Having a Routine

• The Importance of Creating Habits and Routine

• The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

• Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice

• SMART Goal Cheat-Sheet

PODCASTS

• Pico Iyer - The Urgency of Slowing Down

• Alex Elle -Self-Care as Generational Healing

Part of what therapy effective is the repetition of skills/tools learned and practiced in and outside of session (mostly outside of session).

Malcom Gladwell coined the “10,000-hour rule,” asserting that the key to achieving true expertise in any skill is simply a matter of practicing, albeit in the correct way, for at least 10 000 hours.

He also states: “Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good.”

Though I don’t believe you have to practice the skills and work above (#s 1-12), the more you practice, the more you’ll learn.

Sample scenarios of doing the work and practicing might include:

• Creating a wellness plan for yourself that includes things that helps you manage overwhelm

• Having someone keep you accountable

• Holding yourself accountable

• Being honest with yourself

• Slowly confronting your fears gradually instead of avoiding them

• Doing something that is uncomfortable for you and seeing what the outcome is. Work slowly. On a self-rated scale, don’t go to a 10. Start at a 3, 4, or 5.

• Learning and practicing practical self-management skills when triggered

• Creating, building, and sustaining healthy, mutually satisfying relationships

• Identifying your personal boundaries (what you like, dislike, discomfort, comfort)

• Asserting your personal boundaries to others when they breach/cross them

• Asserting your personal boundaries to others before an event/experience/situation

• Learning to tolerate uncertainty, the future, and ambiguity with more ease

• Identifying your feelings when calm and feeling safe

• Identifying your sensations when calm and feeling safe

• Identifying your feelings when overwhelmed and anxious

• Identifying your sensations when overwhelmed and anxious

• Learning to be more okay with disagreements and conflicts without shame spiraling

• Learning to ask for what you want and need without feeling overly guilty

• And more

By practicing and putting knowledge into action, you’ll learn:

• What works for you (successes, growth, positive changes)

• What doesn’t work for you (failures, disagreements, conflicts, ruptures, mistakes)

• What you’re good at

• What you’re not good at, but can get better at/learn more of

• How to be your own good enough parent/caregiver and/or best friend so you’ll be able to self manage and rely less on external validation/factors/etc.

• And more

Read more here.

RESOURCES

• Make a Safety Plan

• PTSD Coach Online

ARTICLES

• Between Therapy Sessions: When You Can’t Seem to Do the Work

APPS

• PTSD Coach: Mobile App

• Mindfulness Coach: Mobile App

• What’s Up?

grief

• n. the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person.

• Grief is often distinguished from bereavement and mourning.

• Not all bereavements result in a strong grief response, and not all grief is given public expression (see disenfranchised grief).

• Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.

• Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts.

• Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.

disenfranchised grief

• grief that society (or some element of it) limits, does not expect, or may not allow a person to express.

• Examples include the grief of parents for stillborn babies, of teachers for the death of students, and of nurses for the death of patients.

• People who have lost an animal companion are often expected to keep their sorrow to themselves.

• Disenfranchised grief may isolate the bereaved individual from others and thus impede recovery.

• Also called hidden grief.

grief work

• The theoretical process through which bereaved people gradually reduce or transform their emotional connection to the person who has died and thereby refocus appropriately on their own ongoing lives.

• Originally conceived by Sigmund Freud in his 1917 essay “Mourning and Melancholia” as a process in which the successful outcome is the bereaved’s emotional detachment from the deceased, grief work has in recent years revolved around the notion of a continuing bond.

• That is, the bereaved does not sever all emotional connections with the deceased but instead transforms the relationship symbolically as a continuing bond that provides a sense of meaning and value conducive to forming new relationships.

—

QUOTES

• Francis Weller states: “When our grief cannot be spoken, it falls into the shadow and re-arises in us as symptoms. So many of us are depressed, anxious, and lonely. We struggle with addictions and find ourselves moving at a breathless pace, trying to keep up with the machinery of culture.”

• Pete Walker states: “Grieving is the key process for reconnecting with our repressed emotional intelligence. Grieving reconnects us with our full complement of feelings. Grieving is necessary to help us release and work through our pain about the terrible losses of our childhoods. These losses are like deaths of parts of our selves, and grieving can often initiate their rebirth.”

—-

EXAMPLES OF GRIEF FROM TRAUMA

• Loss of safety

• Loss of mistrust

• Loss of control

• Loss of time

• Loss of the life I could have had

• Loss of ability and independence

• Loss of cultural ties, language, customs

• Loss of identity

• Loss of role status

• And more

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Allow yourself to feel your emotions as they come up naturally

• Letting yourself feel the pain, grief, sadness, and loss

• Feel all your feelings vs. rationalizing and thinking

• Relive what you have missed out on

• Reflect on your losses

• Get to know your inner child

• Create grief rituals. This could include

  • Forgiving yourself

  • Self compassion

  • Gratitude

  • Chanting

  • Lighting a candle

  • Creating an alter

  • Creating a safe enough space for yourself

  • Writing a letter to your younger self

  • Writing a letter to your grief

  • Journaling

  • Painting

  • Singing

  • Playing music

  • Writing music

  • Dancing

  • Building something

  • Tending to a garden

  • Plants

  • Farming

  • And more

• Be gentle with yourself

• Slow down

• Do things that feel good

• Reconnect to pleasure and joy

• Take good care of yourself

• Get plenty of rest

• Write down your stories

• Share your stories

• Publish your stories

• Join a grief group

• Join a support group

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What have I lost due to trauma?

• What are the “what ifs” I think of and question?

• How do I externalize and share my grief?

• What do I feel in my body during moments of grief?

• What are rituals I have for grief?

• If my grief could talk, what would they say?

• If my grief could move freely in my body, how would it want to move?

• If my grief had an image, what would lt look like?

• If my grief had a voice, what would it sound like?

RESOURCES

• S

REFERENCES

• Neria Y, Litz BT. BEREAVEMENT BY TRAUMATIC MEANS: THE COMPLEX SYNERGY OF TRAUMA AND GRIEF. J Loss Trauma. 2004 Jan 1;9(1):73-87. doi: 10.1080/15325020490255322. PMID: 23633929; PMCID: PMC3637930.

• Weller, F., & Lerner, M. (2015). The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief (1st ed.). North Atlantic Books.

Post traumatic growth (PTG) is define as “positive psychological changes experienced as a result of the struggle with trauma or highly challenging situations”.

This phenomenon should be considered not as an alternative, but as a parallel process with respect to negative psychological consequences (Kadri et al., 2022).

Not everyone will experience PTG.

Trauma does not necessarily make one stronger because trauma should have never occurred in the first place.

Post Traumatic Growth includes the following 5 domains:

• Personal Strength

• New Possibilities

• Improved Relationships

• Spiritual Growth

• Appreciation for Life

Examples of post traumatic growth might include:

• Increased hope for the future

• More openness to life

• Interest in spirituality

• And more

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

• What have I lost due to trauma?

• What have I learned from trauma? (though it should have never occurred in the first place)

• How will I measure growth/change/healing?

• What does healing mean to me?

• What does healing look like?

  • Behavioral change (e.g. decrease avoidance, increasing asking for help)

  • Emotional change (e.g. increased access to my feelings, decreased acting out when I feel emotionally overwhelmed)

  • Psychological change (e.g. increased cognitive flexibility, more ability to manage personal triggers)

  • And more

• What are my personal values? Who and what matters most to me?

  • Consider completing an ACT Values Sort or another activity to narrow down 5-10 personal values

  • Complete this activity every so often to see if it changes or stays the same

RESOURCES

• The Posttraumatic Growth (PTG) Resource Center

• Growth after trauma

• Posttraumatic Growth Inventory

• The Resilience ScaleTM (RSTM)

• Posttraumatic Growth and Its Measurement: A Closer Look at the PTGI’s Psychometric Properties and Structure

REFERENCES

• Dell'Osso L, Lorenzi P, Nardi B, Carmassi C, Carpita B. Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) in the Frame of Traumatic Experiences. Clin Neuropsychiatry. 2022 Dec;19(6):390-393. doi: 10.36131/cnfioritieditore20220606. PMID: 36627947; PMCID: PMC9807114.

• Wong NC. The 10 000-hour rule. Can Urol Assoc J. 2015 Sep-Oct;9(9-10):299. doi: 10.5489/cuaj.3267. PMID: 26644801; PMCID: PMC4662388.

Relapse

1. The act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding

2. A recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement

Regression

1. The act or an instance of regressing

2. A trend or shift toward a lower or less perfect state: such as

   1. Progressive decline of a manifestation of disease

      1. Gradual loss of differentiation and function by a body part especially as a physiological change accompanying aging

      2. Gradual loss of memories and acquired skills

   2. Reversion to an earlier mental or behavioral level

   3. Functional relationship between two or more correlated variables that is often empirically determined from data and is used especially to predict values of one variable when given values of the others

—

Relapse, though often seen as a setback, is a common part of the healing process.

When life is going well, it’s much easier to maintain your gains and growth.

When life is more difficult and challenging, it will be harder to maintain your gains, maintain a daily practice, manage stress, and take good care of yourself.

Life changes and adjustments can include:

• Ending a relationship with someone

• Someone ending a relationship or friendship with you

• Divorce or separation

• Having children or a child

• Adopting a child or children

• Death

• Grief and mourning

• Ambiguous loss

• Natural disasters

• Political events

• Global events

• Moving to a new city or state

• Moving out of the country

• Starting a new job

• Being fired from a job

• Getting a promotion at work

• Having more resonsibilities

• Starting school

• Ending school

• Graduating from school

• And more

It is crucial to understand that healing is not linear, and setbacks are natural occurrences.

You may sabotage relationships, act out when overwhelmed, push people away, isolate and withdraw, utilize maladaptive skills/tools to manage overwhelm like substance use, self harm, over working, over functioning, over eating, restricting food, etc

Relapse provides an opportunity for reflection, learning, and readjustment.

A helpful way to think about and work with relapse is:

• Relapse is normal and part of the process

• Relapse teaches us important tidbits about ourselves

• Having a plan in place when you relapse and regress is key

• Having a support system is also key

• Having a check in partner(s) from time to time is important

• Approaching relapse with self-compassion is important

RESOURCES

• WRAP Plan

• Relapse Prevention Plan

• Co-Dependents Anonymous

• Workaholics Anonymous

• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

RESOURCES

• Recurrence of post-traumatic stress disorder: systematic review of definitions, prevalence and predictors

• Relapse, some advice?

• Has anyone “relapsed” after being cleared of PTSD?

EFERENCES

• "regression” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

• "relapse" Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)