Signs of Earned Secure Attachment Style For Clients With a History of Trauma

1. Saying no and being more comfortable with it (assertiveness)

   1. Interpersonal effectiveness skills are very, very hard for survivors of trauma due to a past history of being abused, neglected, manipulated, etc.

   2. Assertiveness can be defined as behaviors and communication for one’s wants and desires as well as others

   3. If a client can say no to you in a session, that is a great sign they are learning a skill they did not learn growing up. That saying no is okay, acceptable, and actually useful for certain people.

      1. Of course, some people, like their abusers and/or caregivers/parents who are neglectful or abusive, may not respect their assertiveness skills.

2. Stronger boundaries

   1. Greater ability to define one’s limitations and boundaries based on values, wants, goals

   2. Greater connection to one’s body and internal sensations and emotions (boundaries aren’t just cognitive, they are physiological)

   3. Less fear around conflict and disagreements because conflict is appropriate and normal part of life. Conflict teaches us something is off and we should repair it as soon as possible, rather than avoiding it.

   4. Less ruminative self-talk

      1. I’m bad for saying what I need

      2. I feel guilty

      3. I shouldn’t ask for what I need

      4. It’s bad to have wants and needs

3. More confidence and empowerment

   1. There are several domains of empowerment including: somatic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and spiritual/existential.

   2. This is from Laura Brown’s book, Not the price of admission: Healthy relationships after childhood trauma, one of my favorite books on childhood trauma.

   3. What follows is a very detailed description of how people can be powerful. I think of power as happening in 4 ways:

      1. Somatic Power: In our bodies

         1. The powerful person is in contact with their body; the body is experienced as a safe enough place, accepted as it is rather than forced to be larger or smaller than it would be if adequately nourished.

      2. Intrapersonal Power: In our relationship to ourselves.

         1. The powerful person knows what they think; thinks critically and can change their mind; is flexible, not suggestible, yet open to input.

         2. This person trusts initiation, and also is able to find external data for validation of intuition; knows feelings as they are felt. Feelings are a useful source of information about the here and now.

      3. Interpersonal Power: In our relationships with others and the world around us

         1. A powerful person is more interpersonally effective than not, can be desired impacts on others more of the time than not; has no illusions of control; forgives self and others, and is appropriately self-protective; is differentiated and clearly defined, yet flexible.

      4. Spiritual/Existential Power: In our capacity to make meaning in life

         1. The powerful person has systems of meaning-making that assist with responding to the existential challenges of life, and that have the potential to give a sense of comfort and well-being; a sense of own heritage and culture integrated into identity in ways that allow for better understanding of self; is aware of the social context and can engage with it rather than being controlled by it or unaware of its impacts.

   4. This is not a prescription; it is an evolving list of ways in which people empower themselves in the world, a list that some other people who grew up with other-than-adequate attachment experiences have found helpful as they learn to stop paying prices in relationships.

4. Giving negative and positive feedback

   1. Many survivors of trauma are scared of offering negative feedback due to past experiences of abuse. This is often due to high levels of toxic shame and hyper vigilance, as they have been conditioned to fawn/people please and be overly compliant toward others, especially those in power.

   2. Some are also scared of abandonment, rejection, or pain, so providing positive feedback is a way they play the game in relationships by putting their needs last to protect themselves. They believe if I provide negative feedback, love, support, or affection will be taken away.

   3. Many often will only solicit positive feedback for many reasons. One is to avoid conflict, abuse, hurt, pain, etc.

5. Narrating a story from complete to end with a lens of mentalizing (curiosity, flexible, mindful), self awareness, insight, and compassion 

   1. When a client is able to talk through difficult stories or experiences in a more cohesive and complete way honoring their boundaries and expressing this to others in an assertive way

   2. When talking to someone about their childhood: “I can share with you my life and how I grew up and I want to let you know it’s hard for me at times. I might cry, but I don’t need anything from you except silence and non judgement. It’s a painful topic for me to discuss, but I do want you to learn more about me and my life.”

6. Mindful and more present in the current moment

   1. Less in the past when triggered or anxious thinking of the future

   2. More able to be aware of the present moment and really live (not be a robot or machine and think about everything)

   3. Being okay sitting in silence

   4. Being okay with a more neutral nervous system where one is curious and aware and noticing

7. Greater ability to handle conflicts and not avoid it as much

   1. Understanding conflict is generative and teaches us

   2. Avoiding drama versus avoiding conflict. Drama is unnecessary, while conflict is normal and appropriate part of life.

8. Moving beyond the trauma identity. Defining self through other experiences and traits.

   1. Secondary gains 

      1. Secondary gains in PTSD are the unconscious, often subtle, external benefits a person gets from having the disorder, like avoiding responsibilities, gaining sympathy/attention, or maintaining a victim identity, which can unintentionally hinder recovery

9. Greater comfort with vulnerability 

   1. Greater ability to ask for help

   2. Toward being more imperfect and flawed

   3. To cry alone

   4. To cry with others (and be seen with less shame and guilt)

   5. To cry and remember crying is a normal and appropriate response due to losses associated with trauma and neglect

10. Greater feeling of safety inside of self/body

    1. Hyper vigilance is one of the key traits of trauma and PTSD so when one is able to feel safer inside their body, this is a good sign they are healing and changing

    2. This could mean being able to notice and be aware of one’s breath (rather than holding in the breath, taking shallow breaths, etc.)

    3. This could also mean understanding that one has a body with limbs and these limbs have forms and function and uses

    4. Less disconnection and dissociation

11. Different relationship to the intimate other (e.g. partner/wife/husband/spouse/etc.)

    1. “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore…”

    2. When you start healing, there is a cost to this change 

       1. Your relationship will change with others and yourself

       2. Some people won’t like your new self and boundaries

       3. Anticipation of grief and loss

          1. “I lost a lot of my friends since healing….” 

          2. “I realized a lot of my current friends don’t have much in common with me besides a shared history of trauma and neglect…”

          3. “I realized a lot of my current friends don’t like that I’m saying no more and being more honest with them…”

12. What else from your experience as a practicing therapist?

    1. Discuss with your peers, supervisors, colleagues, or consultant.

    2. You can also journal and reflect on this question by yourself.

References

Brown, L. S. ( 2015). Not the price of admission: Healthy relationships after childhood trauma. Seattle, WA...