Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy For People Pleasing & Fawning

What is IFS?

• IFS therapy stands for Internal Family Systems therapy.

• It's a type of therapy that helps people understand and manage their different feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.

• The idea is that everyone has different parts of themselves, like an angry part or a sad part, and these parts can sometimes cause problems.

Why Do People Pleasing Parts Come To Be?

• Usually development or attachment trauma from caregivers or parents that were consistently unable to meet developmental needs for the child such as love, safety, trust, power, control, esteem, efficacy, etc.

• Survival mechanisms

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Fear of rejection

  • Fear of abuse

  • Avoiding conflict as conflict is bad or threatening or dangerous

  • And more

• Positive and negative reinforcement

  • Being rewarded for being compliant

  • Being rewarded for being doing things for others like cooking, caretaking, cleaning, emotionally caretaking, etc.

  • Being yelled at for having needs/wants

  • Being hurt for asking for emotional needs/wants

• And more

Signs People Pleasing Parts Are Taking Over & Are In Control

• You want to say no or not sure to a request, but automatically say yes

• You feel resentful at others and yourself

• You feel angry and frustrated at others and yourself

• You feel like there is no other option to avoid conflict than saying yes and appeasing others

• And more

Questions To Ask Your People Pleasing Parts

• How long has this part been with you?

• What’s your earliest memory if it has a memory?

• What’s the earliest feeling of people pleasing? A few months? A few years? Your whole life?

• What does your part want to show or reveal to you?

• If your part could talk, what would it say?

• If your part could move freely, how would it want to move?

• Is your part stuck somewhere in time? Would it like to be rescued or saved or transported somewhere else?

• If you part didn’t have to put on a facade or mask, what would it look like? Feel like? Say?

• Would this part like to know its truer self vs. this people pleasing self?

• What traits or qualities would your part want to embody if not pleasing others and fawning?

• And more

Questions I Ask & Statements I Tell Clients In Session With People Pleasing Parts

• Is there anything that part of you needs to feel safer from me or therapy? Any physical or emotional needs?

• Is there anything that part of you needs to feel more trusting in me or therapy? Any questions or concerns that need to be addressed?

• Let that part of you know we are not trying to fix it or get rid of it. We are just providing it more options if it’s open to it and it’s totally okay not to be open to it.

• Let that part of you know we are just trying to understand it more if it’s willing to share more with us. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too.

• Let that part of you know the goal of our work together is to provide it with more options besides fawning and people pleasing. Would it be open to that?

• Let that part of you know there’s no need to be perfect or do everything right. I don’t expect perfection because it doesn’t exist.

• Let that part of you know not knowing or being unsure is an answer.

• Let that part of you know that as we practice this skill together, there’s no need to be perfect in any way. I don’t expect perfection, just authentic effort without pressure.

• Let that part of you know there’s no need to rush or be urgent in answering. There’s plenty of time. Take your time.

Integrating IFS With Other Modalities

• As a therapist, I often incorporate and integrate other methods besides IFS toward client’s treatment such as Somatic Experiencing, Relational Therapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

• IFS alone isn’t enough for most clients, so integrating different modalities is very powerful!